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Bill Clinton Pardons Dawson Leery for Annoying Teenage America
posted by Dave on 3/01/01

The show opens up this week with Pacey and Joey making out in the school cafeteria...

"I'm here to learn... Not to make out with you!!" --Billy Madison"

They're discussing ways to try and get a little time alone together... when Pacey suggests that they just skip class and head down to the old boiler room for a quick fuck. For a brief second Joey almost seems keen on the idea.

This reminds me exactly of a time when I was in high school... minus the whole gorgeous girlfriend and suggestions of fucking in a boiler room... but I was sitting in a cafeteria. I'm not lying. I swear.

Resident bad boy Drew arrives with a big announcement that the results are in for class polls for the yearbook... because we all know that most high school yearbook staffs are usually run by a guy that just transferred in for his senior year.

He throws the swerve of the century and announces that the winners for Class Couple are Joey and.... Dawson.

cue the intro

By the way, W-D's own Paul pointed out to me that his favorite part of the whole montage intro sequence is when Dawson does the gratuitous flip into the swimming pool, thus proving that terrible minds think alike... cause that's my favorite part too. How he gets his legs over his Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man sized head is beyond me.

Commercials of note during the break:

"The Mexican" starring Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt. This is the version of the commercial where they try and bill it as a romantic comedy... because James Gandolfini is nowhere to be seen. I like to call this the "Alientaing the New Jersey Audience" version of the commercial.

back to the show...

Joey has Drew pinned up against a locker accusing him of fixing the class polls.

This is obviously true because anybody that has watched this show knows that the Dawson's Creek gang are pretty much a small clique of losers in Capeside... as evidenced by the fact that on those rare episodes when they go to parties, there's shitloads of people drinking and having a good time... and not sitting in the corner talking about every minute detail and aspect of life. I mean at least on Bev Hills 90210, it was established that the Peach Pit gang were popular... as evidenced by David Silver passing the initiation of lopping off his left nut, just so he could hang with Steve Sanders. Nobody wants to hang with Dawson.. nevermind vote for him in a class poll... even if it is as a joke.

Dawson arrives and lets Drew know that his practical joke doesn't phase him... because it's just so "patently absurd". Dawson and Joey are just "friends".

The fact that they've managed to string along this Dawson and Joey "Friends or Soul Mates" plot for four years is... "patently absurd".

Pacey is at the Leery Fish Restaurant trying to convince his sister Gretchen that she should go out drinking with their older brother, Doug tonight.

Gretchen sees right through Pacey's thinly veiled attempt at getting rid of her... thus surmising that Pacey and Joey want to be alone to have sex. Hence, they've had sex before. She's surprised she hadn't realized it sooner because Pacey's been so happy lately.... and as Gretchen says:

"There are only two things that make a man this happy... and the other one is free beer.".

She agrees to stay out for the night and give Pacey and Joey their privacy.

The scene cuts to the therapist's office where Jen and Tom (the therapist) are discussing Jen's trust issues.

The actor that plays Tom might be the ugliest man to ever grace Dawson's Creek by the way.

Switch back to Leery's Fish Palace where I notice just how amazing Gretchen's tits are in the blue top that she's wearing. Too bad her face can't say the same. Dawson arrives and starts babbling about something...

The phone rings... It's Dawson's Mom informing Gretchen that they are stuck in traffic on I-95... on their way to wherever they are going away to for the weekend.

Gretchen is surprised that Dawson didn't tell her he was going to have the house to himself all weekend... and Dawson responds by saying:

"Why do you care. Haven't you noticed I'm gay yet? I mean hell, Kevin Williamson, an openly gay man, created this series to be semi-autobiographical of his childhood... and here I am Dawson Leery.. the main character... and I'm going for the Tori Spelling record for most consecutive seasons without getting laid. I wish they would just set me up with Jack already and get it over with."

Cut to a scene where Joey is knocking on Pacey's back door. No, I meant that literally. It's not like she had on a strap on or something. Get your minds out of the gutter people.

Joey hops on Pacey as soon as she walks in the door. When Pacey jokingly says that they never seem to talk anymore... Joey hornily responds:

"Pace, we've spent nine months talking and only two weeks doing this... (smooches)"

Thus sending out a great message to teenage girls that the first time may be a little scary... but once you get past that... Lordy! Lordy! You're gonna wanna do it again.. and again.. and again.

Pacey informs Joey that they have the place to themselves for the night as Gretchen agreed to make other sleeping arrangements. Joey realizes that this means that Gretchen knows that they're having sex... and as the scene fades out... Joey is giving the "We're hugging and you can't see me... so I can make a concerned face, so that the audience knows what I'm thinking."

Commercials of note during the break...

"See Spot Run"... See Movie Flop.

The commercial where the kids pass the joint around but nobody accepts it... where the following conversation takes place:

"Do you have an outie or an innie?"
"Would you guys rather eat a maggot filled pie or go to school naked?"
"Go to school naked."
"You know what would be funny... if somebody pierced their outie."

Thus proving the whole anti-drug movement's message: It's okay to pass up a joint. (Especially if you've already done ten bong hits and are talking about maggot filled pies.)

back to the show...

Jack and Jen are in the coffee shop across from Tom's office as Jack basically accuses of Jen stalking her therapist. Jen just wants to know more about Tom because:

"For all I know, the guy could be a Promise Keeper or a Christina Aguilera fan."

Tom emerges from his office and Jen convinces Jack to help her follow him.

Ummm... I wonder why she's in therapy?

Meanwhile Gretchen comes home... and as Pacey orders a pizza from a Portugeuse restaurant, (Ooookay.) Joey discusses with Gretchen about not telling Dawson that she knows that her and Pacey are having sex. Little does Gretchen know that it's because Joey has already lied to Dawson and is making sure she covers her own ass. (and what an ass it is..). Gretchen says she's going over to Dawson's and heads out. Joey's still a little concerned that Gretchen might let the cat out of the bag.

Cut to Jack and Jen in the bookstore, where they have followed Tom to. Jack notices that he's looking at "Interview with a Vampire" and surmises that Tom is gay. When Jen asks Jack how he has surpassed her in knowledge of all things gay... he responds, "Sex and the City".

Well, of course they accidentally "run into" Tom.. and he invites Jen to a poetry reading later in the weekend.

That should be fun. =/

Cut to Joey and Pacey eating pizza and discussing Dawson's parents being away for the weekend... and how it doesn't bother either of them.

I wonder if they feed these kids on set.. just because anytime food is involved, Joshua Jackson is always actually eating during the scene.. instead of just having the food sit there at a prop. It comes off as weird to watch Katie Holmes have to wait for him to swallow his food before kissing him.

Dawson and Gretchen are sitting on the couch having just finished Movie #1 of "Movie Night".

Ummm his parents are away.. He has an older woman on his couch... and they actually made it through a whole movie. That makes sense.

As Gretchen is reaching into her bag to get out Movie #2, Dawson notices that she has a toothbrush and pajamas in there. Of course, Dawson being Dawson, has to question whether or not she had planned on staying over... rather than just looking at the pajamas and taking it as an open invitation to just make a fuckin' move already!.

Well, Dawson and Gretchen start "discussing" the topic of sex, thus leading me to believe that Dawson yet again is going to find a way not to get laid in a situation that's a gimmie. In the conversation Dawson reveals that part of him just wishes that Pacey and Joey would just do it already to put the final nail in the coffin, on the notion that Dawson and Joey are destined to lose their virginity to eachother...

When Gretchen asks, "How do you know they haven't yet?"... Dawson tells her it's because Joey told him that they hadn't.

Shit meet fan. Now hit it.

Commercials of note during the break...

Taco Bell's new Grilled Steak Taco. Something about a Chinese guy acting like a fired up cowboy will always make me giggle. Always.

Commercial for the new episode of "Popular" on Friday, in which the high school girls go to a fraternity party... and sure enough my suspicions are confirmed. This will be the gratuitous "Every fraternity guy becomes a date rapist in the presence of high school girls" episode. How many times has this episode been done before on other shows?? It's ridiculous.

back to the show...

Gretchen's all pissed off and sitting on the end of the couch. Dawson thinks it's because of what he said about he and Joey being destined to lose their virginity to eachother. Little does he know that who she's really pissed off at, is Joey, for lying to him. She leaves... and Dawson is left to jerk it to his E.T. poster, yet another night.

Cut to morning at the Witter residence, where Joey and Pacey are in the kitchen... She sends Pacey out to the store to get stuff, so she can make breakfast for the two of them. (Insert the Katie Holmes... "Soooo hot! Want to touch the heiney", Billy Madison reference here.)

As Pacey's walking out the door... Dawson arrives looking for Gretchen. Pacey tries to brush him off because Joey is inside the house... but Dawson insists that they go inside to call over to Doug's to see if she's there, safe and sound.

Joey hears Dawson and Pacey coming into the house, so she makes a beeline and hides in the bathroom.

Cut to the coffee house where the poetry reading is being held, as Jack and Jen walk around looking to see if Tom is there. Jack accuses Jen of having a crush on her therapist... which Jen denies.

Why don't they just give Jack and Jen their own spinoff and entitle it "Gay Guy and Whore". Neither of these characters has been involved in anything but a filler side-plot in a long time.

Dawson asks Pacey not to tell Gretchen that he stopped by the house. Not so much for the fact that it would make him come off as desperate... but moreso for the fact that Dawson wants to tell her himself, so he can come off as downright pathetic.

Dawson leaves and Joey emerges from the bathroom to experience an awkward exchange of glances with Pacey.

Tom still hasn't arrived at the poetry reading... so Jen and Jack get ready to leave. As they're getting up, Tom arrives and thanks Jen for saving him a seat.

Dawson's in the diner alone reading a paper, when resident bad boy, Drew, shows up. Basically he busts Dawson's balls about fixing the Class Couple voting just to add a little drama to the yearbook.

Drew carries on the tradition of drunken, dead, bad girl, Abby, by basically calling Dawson on how full of shit he and Joey are.

"The whole friend dance that you guys do. As if you were actually over eachother. As if you hadn't fatally wounded eachother's psyche and doomed all future relationships.", is what Drew tells him.

Nail meet head. Now hit it.

Stop doing that... It was lame enough the first time with the shit and the fan.


Joey goes outside the house to find Gretchen sitting on the porch. Gretch is all pissed at Joey for not telling Dawson the truth. Joey tells her that she wasn't around last year... and she doesn't know how touchy the whole subject is... so MYOB biotch. Gretchen tells her if she doesn't want to tell the truth for her or Dawson... at least do it for Pacey.

Joey leaves angrily just as Pacey is returning from the store.

Commericals of note during the break...

"Get Over It"... Hi, welcome to another Kirsten Dunst movie. This one has Sisqo doing what he does best... dancing and looking like the gayest 4'11" tall African American on the planet.

Thong-tha-thong-thong-thong. Baby let your booty go!! Baby let your booty gooOooO!!

Mandy Moore's Neutrogena commercial. I like when she *snaps* away the shine. Tee-hee.

back to the show...

Pacey starts talking to Gretchen and surmises that the conflict that arose between her and Dawson.. and now between her and Joey has something to do with him.

Gretchen admits that Joey flat out lied to Dawson when he asked if her and Pacey had slept together.

Pacey's "non"-reaction to this info leads me to believe he's going to see how long it takes for Joey to tell him about it, rather than confront her on it. Classically well trained, male move.

After the poetry reading, Tom comes over to Jack and Jen and introduces them to the poet, who also happens to be his girlfriend.

Didn't see that one coming a mile away... Nope.

Joey arrives at the high school to find Dawson working in the computer lab. He's working on the yearbook to try and right some wrongs.

He talks to Joey about Gretchen and his apprehension based on his past mistakes:

"Do I show her the confused mess that I really am... or do I attempt to act cool, the kind of guy that gets the girl?", Dawson laments.

He answered his own question right there. Cool isn't an act, man. It's a way of life. Word!

Dawson claims that Drew is like one of those old Batman television villains in that, "He's evil... but with a short attention span.".. meaning that he quit the yearbook before the class polls were officially added. Therefore Dawson was setting things right by putting Joey and Pacey as the class couple.

Back to the coffeehouse where Tom tells Jen that he knows she's been following him... but it seemed important to her, that's why he never said anything sooner. It was all a matter of her getting to know some of his personal life, in order to trust him...

This episode reeeeaaallly sucks by the way.

Dawson meets Gretchen out in front of Leery's Fish Palladium and asks if she was planning on breaking up with him. Gretchen tells him no... but he has to promise to be as honest with her as he was the night before, always. Trust is the difficult part she tells him. "Sex is just mechanical... Like brushing your teeth.", she follows up.

Geez.. with comments like that, she's obviously pretty adventurous in bed. Her and Dawson are going to make a perfect match. Grandma and Grandpa Leery.

Joey and Pacey are walking along the beach... and Pacey asks her, "Do you think we're doing something wrong?"

Translated for the retarded.. "Why did you lie to Dawson about us having sex?"

He gave her the opportunity... and she didn't take it. She just replied, "No. Do you?"... and when Pacey answered "No."... Joey asked him if Gretchen had said anything to him earlier in the morning...

Pacey's answer... "No."

... and that ends this episode.

No Coming Attractions... as next week is a repeat... which is good because I'll be away on vacation anyway.


Kiss this, nerd!