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Bennifer: Hollywood's Hitler and Eva Braun

posted by Matthew on 4/10/03

Jennifer Lopez and what appears to be a gorilla in a velour(!) track suit

For the sake of everything that is holy, when was the universal ban on velour tracksuits lifted?

It should come as a surprise to no one that I despise Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, who are nothing more than two megalomaniacal manikins that have been shellacked with so much publicity and marketing that people have gotten confused into thinking that they are talented, attractive superstars. Individually, of course, theyíre both perfectly vacuous ďstars.Ē However, when they joined forces to form an all-consuming fame juggernaut, a two-headed monster of imbecility and unrestrained hubris that seemed to secrete publicity, they officially surpassed the merely trifling and rose to the level of the most infuriating famous couple in the history of pop culture.

Puff Daddy is going to have to date Avril Lavigne to top the awfulness of Bennifer

Frankly, itís impressive that either of them managed to top their own storied history of ridiculously self-congratulatory relationships. Jennifer, of course, was famous for being able to stomach bug-faced Puffy Combís marble-mouthed grunts as he mounted her, which, in itself, is among the worldís worst mental images. At the time, that couple was notable for setting a new record for lowest talent-to-fame ratio among any famous couple. When Puffy started waving his minuscule manhood...I mean, handgun, in public, he became inconvenient, and Lopez moved on to her storied romance with one of her dancers, which lasted for less time that it would take me to look up his name on Google. Nonetheless, Lopez was apparently in love with him enough to try to make him famous enough to justify being seen in public with him, but, alas, that didnít work out and he was sacrificed to her panzer blitzkrieg career ambition.

You know things are bad when you start feeling nostalgic for the worldís most incredibly self-satisfied same-sex couple. To be honest, these two, while incredibly overrated and smug as all hell, were pretty personable and humorous at the beginning of their careers as famous people, but the persistent rumors of them shish kabob-ing prostitutes while staring passionately into each otherís eyes definitely soured me on their pairing. Not to mention that, despite all the hype from their impressively overrated Good Will Hunting, neither of them have been terribly impressive in, well, anything at all, ever.

Donít worry, theyíre there. They just start at my stomach.

Then again, they were a better couple than the insufferably precious Ben and Gwyneth Paltrow, as Damon is much more likeable than ďThe Gawky BirdĒ (thank you Liam Gallagher for that nickname), with her psuedo-intellectual pretensions, Grace Kelly aspirations, and her outfits that, for some mystifying reason, never seem to include bras...despite the fact that she has small saggy breasts.

Honey, are you sure I should have lathered you in cooking grease before we went out?

What makes the Bennifer conglomerate worse than any of these couples? There are many things that make them dreadful, obviously, starting with the way they work so hard on promoting their true love as a fucking brand name. Jennifer Lopezís ghastly ďJenny From the BlockĒ music video included so much promotion of Bennifer Inc. that it was sickening, with Ben doing his patently hilarious badass squinty face every four seconds and dozens of shots of them kissing, and pictures of their blank, dull faces are more common than punctuation in any popular entertainment magazine. Itís also notable that Ben claimed that people disliked Bennifer because they were racist and hated their incredibly courageous interracial relationship (as if people across the world were screaming ďOh my God, that white guy is dating a half-Puerto Rican!Ē), not to mention the fact that both of them, who are both naturally light-skinned, now walk around with an over-tanned atomic orange glow like Hulk Hogan.

The Hulkster supports interracial dating, brother

But what truly makes these two transcend all other abominable Hollywood couples (and, letís be honest, thatís almost all of them), is what they are now doing to the film world. Despite selling out any pretense of even attempting to be in good films, despite accepting schlocky, lowest-common-denominator shit like Made in Manhattan and Daredevil, neither of them have ever proven to be a bankable blockbuster star. They also are now insisting on starring in every movie they make together, to further push the marketability of the Bennifer brand name. The first of these films, entitled Jersey Girl, is from the rapidly declining Kevin Smith, whose main job these days seems to be talking about how wonderful a couple Bennifer are and how much he wants to bone both of them, though, to be honest, Affleck seems to the one that truly rocks his boat. Smith also keeps talking about the chemistry Ben and Jennifer have on screen despite the fact that Liv Tyler is supposed to be the one Benís character is falling for.

Hey, Jennifer, Iíve got an idea. A movie with us...and a retard.

Yep, the aforementioned movie is called Gigli (though there is talk of it being changed to Tough Love), which is pronounced in some way completely counter to the spelling, which is just an inherently stupid, unnecessary thing to do to your movie. The movie stars Jennifer Lopez as a lesbian hitman, Ben Affleck as the hitman with morals that converts her to heterosexuality, and a mentally retarded guy that Affleck and Lopez kidnap and take on a road trip. Do I even need to make jokes about this? Lopez as lesbian hitwoman? Affleck as the manly man thatís so manly that he reforms her wayward homo ways through the power of his manhood? The kidnap a mentally retarded person and take them on a nutty comedic road trip bit?

However, as bad as this is, it is the third movie these two have in production that truly assures them of my everlasting hate. I couldnít make this up if I tried. All of those who hope to keep their sanity or possibly save their monitors from being smashed in anger should probably stop reading right now...





Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are going to remake Casablanca as a Bennifer vehicle

I know, I know, the hubris, even for them, is astounding. Why anyone would be so suicidal as to try to better one of the most unassailably perfect films in cinema history, a movie with one of the most illustrious casts in film history, a film with so many unforgettable moments and performances, a film that is a monument to the power of film as art, is completely beyond my understanding. Iím going to ignore the fact that thereís no way theyíll get a supporting cast of the quality of Claude Reins, Sydney Greenstreet, and Peter Lorre, let alone a director who will do half as good of a job as Michael Curtizí managed to do. Iíll just concentrate on the incredible arrogance it takes for Ben and Jennifer to think they can fill Bogart and Bergmanís shoes. Letís see how they compare:

Humphrey Bogart

The dejected, disillusioned, dignified drunk I sincerely hope to grow up and become

Talent: Undeniably one of the best actors of his generation and possibly the most iconic of all time. Could play anything from the soulless gangster to the slick detective to the haunted lover to the straight Hollywood action hero to the romantic comedy lead with effortless ease and a one-of-a-kind charisma.
Look: Unique. Not traditionally handsome, Bogart still had an unforgettable face, wary with experience and pain yet defiant in its strength.
Style: Classy, stylish, dignified, the very epitome of classic Hollywood style. Bogartís wielding of the overcoat inspired millions of other equally strange looking men (cough, Matthew, cough) try to pull off the look.
Artistic Success: Bogart was part of many, many great films and turned in numerous very good performances in some bad ones. His universally accepted great films are Casablanca, The Maltese Falcon, The Big Sleep, and The Treasure of Sierra Madre, all of which contain fantastic performances from Bogart.
Suitability for the role: Bogart perfectly embodies the weary, worldly, tortured soul of Rick Blaine, his wrinkled forehead and sickly gaze the look of a man that has seen too much, cared too much, and lost too much.

Ben Affleck

The vacuous, puffy-faced, soulless, frat-boy drunk that Iím glad Iím not

Talent: Well, sometimes he doesnít look too confused when trying to remember his lines.
Look: Completely non-descript blandly handsome guy, only a little more...puffy...and orange.
Style: Velour...tracksuit.
Artistic Success: Um, well, heís never ever actually acted all that well. Heís been in some really successful movies however...wait, no he hasnít. Heís infamously bad for never drawing big box office crowds for all of his high profile movies, his only real success being Sum of All Fears where he plays a mushroom cloudís sidekick.
Suitability for the role: Um, I guess heís white, even though heís too young, lived too charmed a life, canít act, and is exactly the type of disingenuous pretty boy that is the diametric opposite of Rick Blaine.

Ingrid Bergman

One of the most beautiful women of all time

Talent: Indisputable. A nuanced actress with complete control of her art and the ability to portray the most subtle of emotions with style.
Look: Obviously incredible. Simply put, she was so gorgeous that, despite mating with the homely Roberto Rossellini, their daughter still was Isabella Rossellini, who, in case you didnít know, isnít bad herself.
Style: Graceful, elegant, womanly and dignified.
Artistic Success: Many successful films and very good performances, the two most famous being Notorious and Casablanca.
Suitability for the role: Her pristine beauty and convincing portrayal minimize the dislike the audience should feel towards the waffling Ilsa and makes it quite obvious while Rick would be so miserable without her.

Jennifer Lopez

Ingrid Bergman minus...well, the class, beauty, and talent

Talent: Well, she can kinda dance and almost kinda sing. She used to be able to kinda act, but she hasnít shown that ability since Out of Sight.
Look: Like an over-tanned alien with a moon face, hacky-sack breasts, and a giant, untoned glob of ass.
Style: Slutty. Extremely slutty. Whenever she dresses up, 90% of the time her clothes are see-through or otherwise revealing. The rest of the time she walks around in sweat suits like a Florida retiree.
Artistic Success: Um...she was passable in Money Train, Out of Sight, and Selena. Her career since those movies has been unremitting ass.
Suitability for the role: None at all. Really, none.

I think that anyone can see that the remake for Casablanca is an irredeemably doomed exercise; in fact, itís little more than a kamikaze mission for everyone involved, a kamikaze mission sent right down Americaís throat that will likely cause the entire nation to wretch in unison.

And thatís why it may be a good thing. If the Kevin Smith romantic comedy, which will most assuredly blow, and Gigli/Tough Love/Two Hitmen and A Mentally Retarded Guy both fail to be hits, as they most likely will, Casablanca: Hollywood Necrophilia Strikes Back will almost definitely, if anyone in the entire country has any self-respect left, kill off Benniferís fame and make them both unemployable laughingstocks.

And really, isnít that the best scenario, anyway?


PS. Allow me time to pimp my new web community at The A2 Network, where we already have a burgeoning community full of intelligent discussion on film, music, philosophy, politics, and sports. If youíre looking for a new place to post, feel free and come check us out.

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