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Going to the circus.

posted by Chad and Jen on 10/06/03

California, you'll always be there to entertain us.
California, the ailing arm of America that keeps her up all night.
California, home to a world of sea, a city of angels, and the happiest place on earth.
California, who can barely find the energy to keep herself glowing.
California, where the free flock to find their American Dream in tatters.
California, where musicians are going to, been fornicated by, and can never leave.
California, where the sun sets on America every evening.
California, when will it ever be enough?

Just like your favourite reality show, the California recall has a contestant for everybody. And if you're sane enough to not be fucked with the politics behind the media circus, then in true California style, there's a celebrity for you. The road to recall has been filled with potholes and hairpin turns as if the whole thing was a late night political drama. Actually, the media and characters involved have transformed this into the best new program in the fall line-up. With the recall date finally made certain for October 7th, will any of our beloved celebrities rise above the 135 candidates to be crowned the sole Governor of California?

There is a huge cross-section of various industries represented in the bid to be the next Governor. Second in quantity, only behind balding white business men, is the sex industry. For twenty years, Californians have stared at the self-selling silicon of Angelyne the billboard queen. Considering all her pink parts and accessories hasn't even landed her a steady acting job, I think it's fair to say running in this obstacle course of a race is just another way for Angelyne to spread her goods... name. Battling the fake boobies menace is porn star Mary Carey, who is twice as qualified because her funbags are real and she'll tax people who get fake ones. Her platform of making lap dances a tax deduction is a sure way to keep her g-string loaded and further inflate tourism. But I don't know how either of these smut sluts believe they have a shot running against the dirtiest pimp daddy of them all, Larry Flynt. His campaign has mirrored his career, being based solely around attacking Bush and selling 11 inch bears with his name all over them.

Mary Carey isn't the only one hoping to cash in on her (stage) name likeness to a far more famous person. There's a white Michael Jackson… a Michael Jackson that has always been white. There's a scorned Kennedy, angry the media hasn't picked up the obvious story of him running against a man who is married to a real one. There's a Diana Foss that's hoping the aging baby boomers haven't bought glasses and will be feel the temptation to vote for her. There's even a “Butch” Dole that promises he too will stab every back he finds. Though I doubt any of them have a chance against P. McCarthy. Not only is he as old as a Beattle, but he's spent his career in used car sales. He can ensure California's finances will continue to gently weep in scandal.

The deeper you dig the stranger the candidates get. Trek Thunder Kelly believes the Green party is so yesterday, he's starting in a whole new direction: wearing all blue. Even his hat is baby blue, hoping to head up “a better California for the color in all of us.” Kelly P. Kimball is shilling ButtMonkey Beer, and for me, alcohol has always made today's problems more nauseating the morning after. But at least it's tomorrow. She will steal a lot of Leo Gallagher's watermelon and sledgehammer splatter contingency, because beer is a much better smash. Candidate “Humble” Carl Mehr's is hoping that his hunt for the Killer Tomatoes will make him the war hero that'll lead California to victory. I asked Garrett Gruener, aka Ask Jeeves, why we should vote for him, but my query resulted in referrals to message boards and youth conferences. He said he had more results to my question, but they too were nothing close to what I was looking for.

The celebrity nobody will be voting for is Gary Coleman. He regrets being in Diff'rent Strokes. He regrets being arrested and bankrupt. He regrets being in Dickie Roberts, Former Child Star. Being that he's unhappy with nearly every decision he's ever made, I doubt anybody's listening to whatchu talkin' 'bout, Gary. He's tried representing and writing for a website network, appearing in video games, and now, running for Governor of California. But all the cheap publicity in the world won't cover the $3,500 cost to be on the ballot. Despite a webathon to help Gary raise coin and his campaign homepage being a cafepress shill, his time swimming like Uncle Scrooge in a pool of gold coins has long since past and won't be coming back. He and Gray Davis can lament their financial failures together.

Last and possibly least is Arnie. His resume has him as Hercules, Conan, a Commando, and a Terminator. He's killed aliens, other terminators, more terrorists than innocent civilians, Satan, and was partially responsible for decimating the Batman franchise. A detective disguised as a teacher that doesn't have a brain tumour. A pregnant scientist. A firefighter. A Major. A Captain. A Colonel. A US Marshall. Danny Devito's twin brother. His next movie will see him as a Prince. He's been to the End of Days and then went to the Sixth one. He's been a Running Man since 1987. Who needs a platform when they carry that amount of work experience? In the circus of California, is there anybody more qualified than Schwarzenegger to be the ring leader?

Maybe Jen will have the answer.

-Chad |

So California is crawling with illegal immigrants who drain the welfare system, undermine immigration laws, and cut in front of Latino families who are trying to enter the country legally.

Davis's solution?

Give them driver's licenses.

Overturn Prop 187 (which was supported by 59% of Californians in 1994) and grant illegal immigrants lower in-state tuition rates at Cal state colleges.

Next up under Davis...federally-funded flight schools for illegal immigrants. What, like that's weird?

I'm for gun control! Except for illegal immigrants.

Davis likes to blame the ugly $38 B deficit in CA on Republicans, Enron, Republicans, Global Warming, and I'm sure he's blamed Reagan and/or Goldwater somewhere in there who are in fact Republicans...because the current deficit certainly owes nothing to his egregious tax and spend policy. And don't even get me going on taxpayers paying around $40 B too much for power in 2000 and 2001 under Davis's watch. Thank God I don't live in CA. The amount of time I spend hair drying alone would pop that number up a couple bil.

More than 1.6 M voters signed petitions forcing the recall election, making Davis the first governor in 82 years to face a recall election.  Republican power grab? Maybe. Well, probably. But I don't think my independent (albeit rightward tilting) signature would have appeared on any of those petitions.

After admitting to a brief summer tryst with Davis back in the 70's,
Cybill has been an outspoken critic of the recall.

I'm thinking this highly-publicized recall has implanted terror in the hearts of governors all over the US, forcing them to spend a whole lot more time, energy, and financial reserves to secure the seats to which they were rightfully elected. Why should a seated governor have to worry about his own ousting with each misstep he makes in office? I say, finish out the term, Gray Davis. The last poll had California dissatisfaction at 50-something percent and Davis is well aware. So maybe this recall circus, which I personally don't believe will materialize, will inspire him to clean up his act and institute some much needed reform in CA.

And hey, with Bill Clinton as his advisor, maybe he'll turn that ugly deficit into a recession. Either that, or he'll bomb an aspirin factory in the Sudan on the day of his impeachment.

Bless you, Bill.

Anyway, though I said my name wouldn't appear on that petition, I didn't say that I wouldn't vote for a recall. And who would I endorse if I actually had a vote?

Well, I'm an independent. Arianna Huffington's an independent. So therefore...

My private jet is MUCH better for the environment than those horrible SUV's you people drive

Come on now.

Much to my own surprise, I would probably go with Conservative Tom McClintock, now that Bill Simon has dropped out of the race. Inducing cringes in you? Wait 'til I get started.

Rock on, Tom.

First. The whole illegal immigration thing. Tom Mc is right there with me. He doesn't want to give these people driver's licenses or throw funding at them to the detriment of legal immigrants and California natives. So he gets points for that right away.

Second, in an interview with Human Events, one of those crazy on-line conservative publications I read from time to time, he's also promised not to tax Californians. He plans instead to eliminate some of the excess capacity within the state's bureaucracies. He specifically cited the (two) state departments of taxation and the Board of Ed, which sucks up a great deal of the funding that SHOULD be going directly into the classrooms. I ask, why is eliminating unnecessary jobs unconscionable? I understand that unemployment is on the rise and is devastating to our economy.  But I know for a fact that there are SOME people who just sit at work and pretend to be busy, but are surreptitiously writing articles and reading crazy neo-con websites all day. I mean, WTF?!

Seriously, TWO state departments of taxation? One isn't enough? McClintock is saying, "Leave it up to the private sector." Makes sense, right? It's so avant-garde for us teenagers and twenty- and thirty-something's to quote Orwell and complain about big government.  So why do we consistently support politicians who are cramming big government down our throats??

I also like McClintock because he promises to overhaul the tort system, which is clearly in much need of reform. Some of you may know the statistics published by the American Tort Reform Foundation:

That the cost of the U.S. tort system for 1994 was $152 billion.

That it has increased 125% over the past ten years.

That between 1930 and 1994 U.S. tort costs have grown almost four times faster than the rate of growth and blah, blah, blah.

For those of you who didn't look up the statistics on the Atra Foundation website and try to pawn them off as coming straight from memory, just think of the obese kids that sued McDonalds. If they won, you'd be paying a whole lot more for fries and hamburgers because some of us can't take individual responsibility for overindulgence in McFlurries.  Two words.  F* that.

I mean, let's not be unreasonable. Everyone eats fries now and then. But when I overindulge, I don't blame Mickey D's. Because if I wasn't eatin' fries, I'd be eatin' something else that's either fried or chocolate-coated.  Duh.

More taxes on McGriddles? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Finally, stalwart Repubs usually rub me the wrong way with their extreme Pro-Life, Anti-Gay sentiments, but I must say, I agree with Tom Mc on this issue as well. I started squirming when he talked about the necessity of parental consent and said that once a brain wave is detected an abortion cannot be performed. Honestly, I haven't yet formulated an articulate opinion of when an unborn baby is an actual living thing, so I'm not going to talk about brain waves, respiratory capabilities, etc.  As far as I'm concerned, McClintock isn't seeking to overturn Roe v. Wade; he mainly wants to prohibit partial-birth abortion.  And I'm more than fine with that.

If Tom isn't elected, I'd like to see Davis successfully finish out his term, make up for his past transgressions, and transform the infamous fifth largest economy in the world.  I'd also like to see him take some individual responsibility for some of California's problems, rather than blaming Republicans and Enron.

Because its people like Davis who eat too many f'n fries and demand a free McFlurry for his effort.

-Jen |

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