Last Article - Whatever-Dude - Next Article

American Beauty: The Director's Cut

posted by Paul on 3/12/01

Fade In:

KEVIN SPACEY( VOICEOVER ): Hello. My name is Kevin Spacey. My life's a joke. My daughter wants her tits done, my wife is a kooky control freak and everyone in my job laughs at me. I also jerk off in the shower. A lot. This is the high point of my day.


KEVIN: Right

Kevin's bitch wife, Annette Benning, is being bitchy, and ridiculing our hero. She waits at the car, as her outcast daughter, Thora Birch, meanders over.

ANNETTE: Lester, you are.. a waste of space. Thora, can you dress any less sophisticated? I don't think you look quite uncouth enough.

KEVIN: Life sucks!

Lester is at work, being summoned by his prick boss.

PRICK BOSS: Look, it's just that we think you're a loser, and we'd like to cut you. No offense intended at all.

KEVIN: None taken. Before I go, you should know that our CEO was boning hoes with the company balance. I'd like severance pay. Give me that, and I'll get a job flipping burgers. That is all. Bye!

Annette is working in her garden. She sees her two gay neighbours - Sam from " Quantum Leap " and some other guy.

ANNETTE: Hello, Sam. Who did you leap into this time?

SAM: It seems I leaped into some stereotypical gay guy.

ANNETTE: And what do you have to do in this episode?

SAM: Something about saying a few meaningless one-liners and being gay. Ziggy didn't explain.

ANNETTE: That makes sense. Enjoy your daily jog, stereotypes.

Thora is in the schoolyard with her stereotypically All-American friend, MENA SUVARI

MENA: So, I was like, pull out your dick. And he was like, OMG, it's like so big, it'll scare you. So, he like yanked it out and it was enormous. And I like sucked it.

THORA: Eww, that's gross.

MENA:Hey, who's that creepy guy looking at us with his, like, freaky camera?

THORA: My neighbor, Wes Bentley.

MENA: You LOVE him! You wanna get married and, like, fuck him 50 million times a day!!

MENA: All our heads are stuck together. You can tell that the person who's writing this couldn't be bothered altering images. What a lazy hack!

THORA: Whatever.

WES: There is so much beauty in the world.

MENA: OMG, you're so weird. Get away from me.

THORA: I think you're kinda interesting, but that fucking camera is creeping me out.

WES: Wanna come back to my abode so we can appreciate the beauty in the world?

Mena runs far away.

THORA: You're clearly a basketcase. Sure. Whatever.

Thora, Kevin and Annette are " enjoying " a particularly tense dinner.

KEVIN: So, honey, how was your day?

THORA: I fell in love with that shady guy next door.

KEVIN: Well, I quit my job and started a personal journey that will end with my brains on the kitchen table. Pass the sauce.

ANNETTE: I didn't sell a house.

KEVIN: Now, there's a surprise.

ANNETTE: I marvel at your lack of decorum on the very day you quit your job.

Kevin smashes his plate against the wall. Annette and Thora look on in shock.

KEVIN: Honey, you're no Wolfgang Puck and our sex life sucks.

Mena is driving Thora to cheerleader practice.

MENA: Shit, fuck, damn, cock, blowjob.

THORA: What?

MENA: Just establishing my character as crude... By the way, I think your dad is hot. I bet he has a big dick.

THORA: Whatever. That was sudden.

MENA: Well, it's about time this Lolita plot-line kicked in. I can only use so many swear words and I'm clearly no Meryl Streep.

THORA: Right.

Kevin goes over to Wes' house for some weed. He sees Wes's creepy dad, Chris Cooper.

CHRIS: Hello, Kevin. Before you enter, I have to grab your buttocks to make sure you're not a faggot. I hate them damn faggots. Damn dirty, lowbred faggots... Well, I'm off to listen to my new Yanni CD. You two be good.

KEVIN: What a charming man. Nothing odd about him at all. Nope.

WES: Ok, how much weed do you want?

KEVIN: I want enough to party like it's 1969. By the way, you wouldn't have a porno handy? My balls feel like two big pineapples.

WES: Here's a video of your daughter urinating.

KEVIN: That'll do. Jesus, look at the size of her cans. I guess we all need to LOOK CLOSER.

DIRECTOR SAM MENDES: Exactly. That's the theme of this whole movie. I'm kind of trying to show the complexities behind the prison cells of life. And stuff.

Kevin and Annette are spectators at Thora's unenthusiastic cheerleading exhibition. Kevin eyes Mena in all her flirty glory

KEVIN: I so want to lay that under-age dicktease. I felt the same way about Haley in " Pay It Forward ", but he didn't have rose petals shooting out of his mouth. At least not when I was with him.

ANNETTE: Can you be a little more perverted? I don't think you're quite perverted enough.

Annette turns to see Peter Gallacher, the real estate king, next to her.

ANNETTE: Did you just say something?

PETER: No, I was raising my left eyebrow. Damn thing has a life of its own.

ANNETTE: You are irrestible and not at all sleazy. Plus, you have power. Would you like to have sexual intercourse now?

PETER: With you, my dear, it would be a pleasure.

They have sex, while Kevin is lost in a world of rose petals and pedophilia.

Kevin smokes up, works out in the nude, listens to loud music and takes a counter job at a low-grade fast-food store. Realism? You bet.

KEVIN: Would you like a burger to go with that chip on your shoulder?! Oh, my unassuming sarcasm cracks even me up. I can only imagine what the Academy thinks this time.

CO-WORKER: What are you talking about? Why are you here? Don't you think you're over-qualified?

KEVIN: Look over there.

CO-WORKER: What's that?

KEVIN: It's our showy cinematography.

CINEMATOGRAPHY: Look at me! Look at me! I'm so beautiful and relevant! Nominate ME for an Oscar!

CO-WORKER: And there's your wife with.. OH MY GOD!!... it's eyebrows with legs!!!!! We're all dead!!!

The co-worker jumps out the window.

KEVIN: That's merely Peter Gallacher cavorting with my screen wife. Hello, Peter. I don't find it at all odd that a hotshot like you would be pulling up to a fast-food dive like this. Not in the least. Hello Annette, we're history, you gutterslut.

Annette cries; Peter and Annette call it quits; Lester continues to smoke pot; Wes is still being weird with Thora.

Chris Cooper storms into Wes's bedroom. He grabs Wes by the neck..

CHRIS: You've been sucking dick, haven't you?

WES: No, sir. Is that your way of saying " hello " ?

CHRIS: You dirty little faggot. I found your money. I know the deal.

WES: I haven't been sucking dick, sir. Well, not literally.

CHRIS: Can't you tell I have a one-track mind? You've either been sucking dick or taking it up the poop. I'm not accepting any other explanation. No, sir.

WES: I was selling dope, if you must know.

CHRIS: That's better. I'd hate to think you were being gay with that man with the tight buns. If you read the trades, he's either gay or bi-sexual. Damn, dirty faggot. I'm going to get on his back right away * winks *. And you're out of this house, you dirty little queer.

Mena, and Thora are chatting in Thora's bedroom when Wes barges in.

WES: There is so much beauty in the world.

MENA: What do you want, you creepy dorklinger?

WES: I want Thora to run away with me.


MENA: He's crazy. He'll chop you into 30 pieces and eat your brains.

WES: You're just jealous because you're insecure, ugly, sluttish, vile and ordinary.

MENA: How dare you call me ordinary? You know this means I have to fuck your dad, Thora?!

THORA: Whatever

Wes and Thora leave. Mena breaks down.

Mena starts chatting to Kevin in the kitchen.

MENA: Do you think I'm ordinary?

KEVIN: I think you're covered in rose petals and I want your ankles straddling my earlobes.

MENA: But do you think I'm ordinary?

KEVIN: Take off these sweet little panties, and let little Kev sort that out.

MENA: I'm a virgin.

KEVIN: And I'm a dirty old man.

MENA: This might not be a good idea.

KEVIN: Why's that?

MENA: Because it might be, like, considered statutory rape.

KEVIN: Let me bathe you in a hot bath of rose petals.

CINEMATOGRAPHY: Please award me.

Creepy Chris sees creepy Kevin working out in the garage. He makes his way over, dressed in nothing but pink lycra and a leather dog collar.

CHRIS: You there with the cute buns and ample chest, why don't you come over here? Please. Spank me and call me your bitch.

KEVIN: Is there something wrong, my ambiguous friend?

CHRIS: I'm hungry and I'm aching for some hot pork.

KEVIN: Doesn't your wife cook?

Chris grabs Kevin's crotch.

CHRIS ( licking his lips ): These are more to my liking, big guy.

KEVIN: Oh, I see. Well, I haven't exchanged in mutual masturbation since boy scouts. Thanks for the offer, but I think I'll stick to jerking off in the shower and having middle-aged fantasies about under-aged girls covered in rose petals.

Kevin is back in the kitchen, staring at an old family picture. He looks contented. A gun points to his head. His brains splatter on the wall. His voiceover remains intact.

KEVIN ( VOICEOVER ): So, like I was saying, there's so much beauty in this little world. I know it now, you'll know it soon e.t.c. Just go fantasize about a teenager, sever all communications with your family and be sure to toke up.

The End


Talk about this post in the forum!