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A Disease Named Scooby-Doo

posted by B on 3/17/01

A preppie, a stoner, a lesbian, a tramp, and a talking dog.  I think I speak for everyone when I say that perfectly sums up Generation X.

What I find funny is that nobody notices exactly what the cause of Generation X (that's us) was.  In the 70's, most of our parents went roller-skating and smoked pot all day, so the only time they could make to watch television was on their bean bags listening to Grand Funk Railroad.  Well, those are my parents anyway.   A lot of parents can tell their children what it was like to be a teenager in the 50's, like my ex-girlfriend Holly's decrepit Italian dad, who was alive when "Robotech" was popular.   But come to think of it, none of my generalizations are really accurate or important, because most of the current generation sits around smoking pot, and Robotech was never popular.

Scooby-Doo is not just a cartoon about a bunch of stupid people solving mysteries!  The demented minds of Meng Hanna and Joseph Barbarian showed the world that teamwork is worthless.  Fate controls all, and it's useless to try to figure things out when the monsters are just going to beat themselves.  In fact, during the seventy year run of Scooby-Doo, there was never one instance of physical contact.   Whenever the Monster, be it a giant robot and/or zombie, would sneak up on, say, Shaggy, the bewildered teenager would shout some nonsensical exclamation, run in place for a moment, and then run away like at a whorehouse.  Going against written law, we'll assume that the Gang would actually have to make some physical contact with whatever bad guy they come across.

They don't call them a "gang" just because they're a bunch of faggy teens who solve mysteries.

Freddie Jones, known as "Fred" to his friends and "Speed Racer" to the Japanese, was the (I guess) leader of the gang.   This guy has more balls than a woman's basketball team, and almost as many brain cells.  Clad in his sailor suit, butterfly collar and trendy "neckerchief," Fred took the very prominent role of the ultimate gay male.  He was nice to the girls, he wore tight pants, and he always got to drive the van.  A step in the right direction for sexual equality, or something else?

Something else, no doubt.  It's been documented on every television show, Scooby-Doo website, and bathroom wall that Fred and Daphne were playing "hide the sausage."  I mean, come on!  What guy with THAT haircut ISN'T a player?  He looks like a date rapist!  Fred is one of those guys who went through puberty before you, and you'd sit in the corner of the locker room kinda eyeing him, wondering how he got his muscles to look like that and why the hell they let him wear that little scarf to play kickball.  Fred would get picked first, and, due to the descending plane of self-esteem, you'd be left sitting on the bench because your slacker butt never dresses out.  After class, Fred would flick your earlobes and then smack that girl you like on the butt.  YOU LOSER!  Why don't you do something with your life besides playing Dungeons and Dragons and reading those crappy paperback novels with the dragons on the cover, that all have goofy titles like "SLAYERFIGHTER" or "LAND OF A THOUSAND WHISPERS."  You like boys, don't you?

One person who really likes boys is Daphne, the aforementioned harlot of the gang.  I really dislike Daphne, but she is a redhead, so I put up a picture of Laura Prepon to kinda keep the flow going.  Daphne had a thing for Fred, but always ended up ruining Fred's carefully exotic plan to catch the ghost.  Makes you wonder, doesn't it?  How many times have you had a happy, normal hobby (like kickball, per say), and then when your girlfriend comes along she says she really appreciates it...but then six months into the relationship all you do is watch "Dharma and Greg" and eat tacos while your girlfriend tells you about all the nice MALE people she met at the mall.  After putting the proverbial two and two together, you realize that she's dumping your fat behind and running off with some Superbook-looking Christian guy with perfect teeth and a doctorate in mixology just in time to see her drive off in YOUR Ford Explorer.

AND WHAT GOOD ARE YOU NOW??  You're overweight, you watch piss-poor ABC television, and your goofy-foot tired ass would probably strike out at kickball.  AND THEN FRED WOULD LAUGH AT YOU!  Hahah, your life just keeps getting worse and worse, doesn't it?

That's when you turn to drugs.  Take Norville "Shaggy" Rogers, the token stoner of the group.  Every group has one of these guys.  The Titans have Speedy, WCW has Scott Hall, the Wu-Tang Clan has....uh, the Wu-Tang Clan, and the Scooby-Doo gang has Shaggy.  Shaggy's voice, heard every Sunday making emotional long-distance dedications to random hosers, constantly cracks, either because of a developmental problem or because he hits the pipe like Ike hits Tina.  With his goatee, baggy clothes, and messy hair, Shaggy looks like that cousin of yours who works at the gas station, you know the one I'm talking about.  The one who sits on the porch and smokes at Christmas, cause he doesn't want to be seen with his family.  Hahah, what an idiot, NOW how is he going to get that 10 dollar bill from Gramma?

But seriously, folks, Shaggy's basically the guy who sat next to you and drew little pictures of the Grim Reaper all over his Biology notebook when you sat out from gym.  You might think he's useless to society, but that's where you're not thinking.  Shaggy could probably beat the living crap out of you at Street Fighter even though his eyes always kinda wander away from the screen, and he's probably shagging chicks in his friend's basement while you sit at home reading the latest issue of Justice Society of America.

Wait a second, the Justice Society?  All right, you aren't THAT bad.  Make that "he's probably shagging chicks in his friend's basement while you sit at home reading the latest issue of Witchblade."  At least dorks actually READ that.

Finally comes Velma, the only member of Scooby's Outsiders gang that serves a nominal purpose.   Not only is Velma able to speak every language known to man (English, Latin, Spanish, Egyptian hieroglyphics, and interpretive dance), NOT ONLY is she able to instantly figure out the tiniest of clues (even though they NEVER SHOWED HER FINDING THE CLUES ON THE SHOW AND MADE YOU FEEL TOTALLY CONFUSED AT THE END WHEN YOU'VE BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT ALL DAMN SHOW), BUT she was a lesbian, and that makes her cool by modern standards.  After hundreds of episodes, Velma never had even one romantic interest on the program.  Ellen says she's gay and BAM she's making out with chicks before the episode's over.

Velma is the girl in your Creative Writing class who sits in the back and writes poems about weeping trees and suicide.  You might think you've got a better life than her, but she makes really good grades (teachers LOVE suicide poems) and she's probably made out with more Goth chicks than you ever will.

And you have actually wondered why these people hang out with a talking dog.

So regardless of how little sense the entire operation makes, the glad-handing Generation X begin to reach, with hands that are glad, towards the silver screen. That's right, folks, if you haven't seen it reported on every other website known to man, next summer will see the release of "Scooby Doo," a live-action "movie" based on a television show that nobody should've ever liked in the first place.

Taking a moment to consider the options, I would say that "half-hour long bestiality scenes" and "Freddie Prinze Jr." are the last two things I want to see in a movie. Well guess what, kids, we aren't lucky enough to see Shaggy railing Scoobs in the back of the Mystery Machine, but we've sure as hell got some Priz-ninze!

Freddie, whom I speak of with an intensified rage each day, plays "Freddie," complete with the ugly blue pants. Supposedly that's his actual hair, and nobody with the Shakespearean training of Prinze (star of groundbreaking motion pictures "She's All That" and "She's Still All That OMG") would show such disrespect to such a difficult role. Rumor has it that Prinze went through months of training to learn how to tie his queer neckerchief. I think I might hate him.

Also starring in the film will be Television's Buffy the Vampire Slayer, who takes a much needed break from playing a teenage crimefighter from an astronomically overrated television show, to play a teenage crimefighter from an astronomically overrated cartoon show. No word yet on how many chicks she makes out in the movie, or how many times we'll have to hear her quip out some half-assed popular culture reference in an attempt to get lifeless people to laugh via association. Also, no word yet on whether she's signed to star in the new "Jabber Jaw" movie. Remember that show?

According to the same gossip column that told me about Matthew Perry's gripping addiction to painkillers, Freddie Prinze Jr., Sarah Michelle "Using-both-my-names-cause-I've-got-a-latent-superiority-complex" Gellar became an "item" during filming. Not in the same way that Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman became an item during the filming of "Gattaca," though, because that ended in pregnancy and this movie is actually expected to make some money.

Producer's dipped down into the bowels of Hell itself to cast Matthew Lillard as "Shaggy." You may know Lillard as the guy who made you want to punch him in the neck in "Scream," or as the guy who made you want to punch yourself in the neck until the sweet release of death slides over you in "Wing Commander." Unlike Freddie Prinze, who has a decent number of female fans, Lillard's pretty much universally despised. The only people that like him are his immediate family and anybody who owns "Drive Me Crazy" on DVD. I THINK HE ROCKS.

Also starring as Velma is somebody I've never heard of. So here's a picture of Mother Winslow from "Family Matters" with a swastika on her head.

Rounding out the cast is the (again, rumored) voice of Screech from "Saved by the Bell" as a completely CGI Scooby-Doo. The gang will be drawn into a case when Scooby's friend accidentally knocks over his mom's porcelain bust of Elvis during a botched "Risky Business" parody. Does anybody find Saved by the Bell in-jokes entertaining? That's kinda like laughing at something the leader of your local chapter of the Ku Klux Klan said because you "see where he's coming from."

With this movie and a "Josie and the Pussycats" movie being released in the same span of time, one begins to imagine that Hanna-Barbara's deal with the devil is coming to fruition. Other projects to look out for:

- A "Pixie and Dixie" movie starring completely CGI mice, a completely CGI environment, completely CGI cheese, and Match Game's Charles Nelson Reilly as "Mr. Jinx." I hate pieces! Best catchphrase EVER.
- Antonio Banderas and Cheech Marin in a remake of "Quickdraw Mcgraw." I just picked Cheech Marin because a) he's in everything remotely Hispanic in nature, and b) I don't want the guy to be homeless. Anymore. Nash Bridges 4 Life!
- Tim Burton's "Planet of the Apes" remake/sequel, which may or may not feature Magilla Gorilla. That monkey wore suspenders, yo.

At the risk of sounding negative for a minute (something I'd never want to do), this movie might not be very good. So make sure you guys (the people of the world) observe some good taste and steer clear of "Scooby Doo." While you're at it, pick up some GOOD movies.... "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington," "Breakfast at Tiffany's," "Roman Holiday," anything by Akira Kurosawa.

Hell, run to the video store and rent "Texas Chainsaw Massacre The Next Generation" for all I care. Just don't give these guys any more money. I'm already going to have to sit through "X-Men 2" because the geeks are getting chic...if Scooby-Doo makes a hundred mil I'm going to have to start slitting some throats.


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