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What Did Steve Just Get? A CLUE A CLUE!

posted by B on 3/25/01

Any dumb television network can create children's programming, but it takes a genius like Nickelodeon to create art. This show transcends corporeal likeness to express deeper truths about the human condition. It is a show about grief and suffering. One look at the tortured countenance of Steve Burns confirms that the artist has drunk deeply from the cup of life. His work shall endure and inspire future generations.

By abandoning representationalism, Steve is free to express himself with pure form. Specific interpretation gives way to a more visceral response. At the end of the season, Steve is leaving "Blues Clues" to pursue a more meaningful career in show business.

So how does it sound when something is ridiculously blown out of proportion? Here, let me try that again.

Blarg snarf hoogle boggle sandy dandy pudding booha ooyaka.

Make sense? Let's try it one more time.

"I was surprised to see the degree to which children's television exists to sell toys to children. When you have the attention of that many kids there's a lot of good you can do that doesn't involve the selling of products," he (Steve, the guy in the stripey shirt) said. "But I always got upset when we got more press for the amount of toys that we have for sale as opposed to the educational value of the show."

For those of you who don't know, or actually have lives and do not watch children's television, "Blues Clues" is not a show about the importance of reading or arithmetic during an important developmental stage in life. Long story very, very short, "Blues Clues" is a show about a man (Steve) who has (evidently) endured so much powerful brain damage that he wanders around a cartoon world talking to inanimate objects and enlisting their help to figure out, say, what "water, soap, and a bathtub" have in common. In fact, I'd go as far to wager that Steve is the only character not to feature a giant red purse who is actually on a lower level of intelligence than the children who watch the show. He's somewhere on the totem pole between Telly from "Sesame Street" and that fucking baby in the sun that screams on Teletubbies.

Departing after 100 shows, Burns says hes not at all sad about leaving a show he found tedious after a five-year daily grind -- not to mention the fact that he was playing a character he said he would have loathed as a child, Reuters reports. A character who lives in a house with a dog named "Blue" who plays the game known as "Blues Clues" every single day of his life. Suspension of disbelief in full effect...what's so bad?

Waxing philosophically for a moment, Steve's ignorance doesn't really come from the fact that he doesn't know what "sand" is or what "breathing" or "bathing" are. The guy's played this game for five years...at least 100 times. So, at the beginning of each show, Steve gets REALLY REALLY excited when he understands that it's time to play the game...so much so that he dances around and sings a wicked awesome song about how smart he is. And then? He forgets how to play. Every single time. The magical children who speak to Steve on each episode (who I guess live in a weird void between the television and the living room) have to explain the game again to Steve each time. Dude doesn't have a job, hangs out with pales and shovels and shit, and he can't even remember the ONE thing he should remember. It's like Mike Tyson forgetting the "dick in hooker + crack + mental retardation = jail time" equation. But at least Mike has an excuse, what with being punched in the head and all.

If it wasn't for the kids on this show they'd all be dead. "Blues Clues" is for the younger Nick watcher, great stuff until they graduate to more hardcore Nick shows like "Wild and Crazy Kids." Once they're THERE, though, the kids don't wanna help adults anymore...they want to beat them in WACKY GAMES. Water balloons are so funny. Oh and that game where they spin around on the end of a bat and get dizzy and then fall omg rofl

The idea behind the game is that Steve's dog wants to do something, and Steve must figure it out in, say, 20 minutes or so. So if Blue was choking to death on a bone or something Steve would just sit there singing a song about how smart he is and staring blankly, waiting for the children in the void to tell him that his fucking dog was doing the "skidoo" into a book about the afterlife. Steve finds one of "Blues Clues," a big blue paw print, on three objects each episode and must ascertain their relevancy in regard to one another. If Blue puts his paw print on some "food," a "bowl," and "water," he probably wants to eat...so Steve takes the time to actually DRAW some "food," a "bowl" and "water" in a notebook. Then he ponders astrophysics or something until the kids shout out "he wants to eeeeat" and make Steve dance. Then he brags about how smart he is, cause he figured out the Clues. What a narcissistic bastard Steve is.

Steve's career after the 100th episode of "Blues Clues" looks bright and shiny. He loves cheeseburgers, Italian food, peanut butter, and even oatmeal. He is very athletic and enjoys running, hiking, and rock climbing. Occasionally, Steve will even roller blade to and from work. In his spare time, he enjoys reading and has since he was a child. He also likes to have quiet time, listen to music, and maybe eat a cheeseburger. Steve can play the guitar and always had an ambition to act. His favorite actors are: Robert Duvall and Al Pacino, who coincidentally played a possible homosexual, named Steve Burns, in "Cruising" (1980). Al Pacino also likes cheeseburgers, but not as much as Steve. Steve likes cheeseburgers a lot.

Steve also has an album due out sometime soon. You can listen to what MUST be his first single here. I haven't listened to it yet, but I bet it's awesome.

As he waltzes down that yellow brick road into former kid-show legacy with Marc Summers and J.D. Roth from "Funhouse," Steve leaves behind the imaginary helpers and disturbing CGI objects that helped him take a bath every single day. Most importantly, Steve leaves behind Blue, who will probably starve to death and die of filth and pestilence. Who will help Blue figure out what she will do now?

"Let's see.... Blue has found a 'shotgun,' some 'bullets,' and a 'fat lesbian talk show host with the largest head in the hemisphere who likes to sing show tunes badly.' What could Blue possibly want to do?"

Also left behind are Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper, Steve's good friends from the kitchen who are always stirring up some fun! No longer will we see Mr. Salt "save the last dance" with his blatantly interracial wife. No longer will we try to figure out how a salt shaker and a pepper shaker had a kid.

Was it magic? Was it tiny little salt and pepper shaker genitals? The world may never know.

When Tickety was around you knew it was time to have fun! Now it is time for grief, and soon, suicide. Horrible, horrible suicide.

Who will console the "Felt Friends" now? These little guys hung out on Steve's pictures and helped him out when he needed help with a clue...who can lend a tender hand and voice to them now? Why do you think they call themselves the "Felt" friends? Because they've got emotions? Victims of sexual abuse should never have to go through things like this alone. Steve couldn't give a blooming shit with dipping sauce about victims of sexual abuse.

Steve also leaves behind a monkey, a gingerbread man, pop-sensation Pink, and a chicken with a paper hat on.

Does Steve hate children? Yes.

How else do you explain it? He's abandoning us all, because of some sick fascination with becoming a "legitimate actor." Honestly I don't blame him...I'd love to leave a five to seven figure a year gig and worldwide fame so I could go back to doing community theater. Steve will be replaced by "Joe," his brother. Joe is Steve's brother like Edge is Christian's brother....they have the same mother and father.

What happens to Steve if his career doesn't take off the way he planned it? A possible return to the merchandising juggernaut that he so loathed. Or suicide.

Horrible, horrible suicide.

Why can't you be more like the Backstreet Boys, Steve? I will miss you.

b

swan@whatever-dude.com

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