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NEWSFLASH - Hot Girl Looks Sad for No Reason

posted by B on 3/27/01

In a Popular Culture and Internet ruled by nostalgic views on cartoons from the 80's and toys that turn into things, I've decided to take a stand and write about sexy women. Any objections? You, with the pink hair, sit down. Anybody else? Good. Moving on...

I choose you, perfect life!

Is it bad to cast somebody in a role because they're racially vague? In a world full of skin shades we often "take sides." That explains why "The Steve Harvey Show" is still on the air, and why comedic firecracker Sinbad hasn't had his throat slit and hasn't been dumped in a gutter.

It also explains why we haven't rioted and set fire to the cast of "Will and Grace." White people are the most annoying, grating, socially devoid people on the face of the planet...Bob Saget, Tony Danza, Fred Durst, the list unfortunately goes on and on and on. In a perfect world all of these things would've happened, but since my ancestors had to be a bunch of fucking idiots we've got to sit through "Sister Sister" until the end of time.

On the other hand, is it bad to preach togetherness and personal empowerment when you're born with more gifts than Richie Rich and Scrooge McDuck's homosexual inter-species love child? Here on the net we've got a dandy parade of big breasted webcam girls looking forlorn because, I'm guessing, if anybody saw them out of a close-up soft focus they'd have bricks launched at their house. Ever seen Jacquie from Electronic Whore from the neck down?

Shall I compare thee to a summers day?

"oh a melon! time for a fag melon fuck!"

Here's your brick.

So, in this shallow world we live in where women are graded on how attractive they are in a certain light in a certain outfit when a certain moon is in a certain house, how do we value a human being as attractive? Simple. We accept our pathetic humanity, give into the stereotypes that define us as an animal, and stand the woman next to Jessica Alba. And just about everybody ends up ugly.

I've got a desire to make fun of Jessica Alba with a zest I can only compare with the desire to breathe. She represents what I grew to hate so powerfully in high school; attractive women born to rich families who feel SO BAD about their situation in life that they must force self-help book dialogue down your throat like you're a horny housewife and she's a 18/m looking for a hot girl to cyber press 6969. Bad America Online metaphor aside, they've got tunnel vision and the tunnel is lined with Hello Kitty posters. It's disturbing and disgusting at the same time, the drug and rape of the female psyche manifested in a belly ring and some overpriced lip gloss.

But she is really pretty. So much so that my Dad, all 42 years of him, has begun watching her FOX sit-drama "Dark Angel" religiously. He maintains his stance that it's a "good show" regardless of the countless faces he makes behind my mom's back about how hot the chick is. He's right, though. She is hot. Hot like the center of the sun.

So why do I want to dislike her so much? I don't know, maybe it's because of her resume...after all, she DID star alongside David Arquette in the Shakespearean classic "Never Been Kissed," a movie universally loved by patrons of Blockbuster Video and champions of the Special fucking Olympics alike. Her big break was the comedy "Camp Nowhere" at age 13, the Christopher Lloyd vehicle about teens who bribe an out-of-work drama teacher to pose as the owner/operator of a defunct summer camp so the kids can make their own rules. It's number 101 on the AFI's list of the funniest movies of all-time, I SWEAR. I almost piss myself every time I watch it. Wait. Nevermind. I cry.

She's also starred in the "Flipper" television series and "Idle Hands," a movie which is really funny if you are 13 and really into drugs. Most recently she's starred in the aforementioned "Dark Angel," produced by the way, way too humble James Cameron (the "king of the world"). It's just like "The Pretender" or "La Femme Nikita," only the protagonist is hot.

Really hot.

Only I think she's a robot or something. Salvaged from the junkyard by hunter-warrior Ido. Yeah.

With so few accomplishments, has her beauty alone given birth to a celebrity that will last? Probably, until the assets have vanished. Unless you rented "P.U.N.K.S." because you heard how great of an actress she was. Hell, under appreciated girls doing the same thing, like Thora Birch, at least land one or two good roles in a life time. Sure, "Camp Nowhere" isn't nearly as bad as "Hocus Pocus" or "Now and Then," but can we allow young stars to exist in their self-placated environment of "entertainer?" Are people bred to sell out from the womb now?

Do you honestly think that Jessica Marie Alba, as gorgeous as she wants to be, takes time between applications of sparkly nail polish to star in an independent film that speaks to her heart? A role that associates with something she believes in in life? In "Never Been Kissed" she played the "cutest of the bitches," a group of brainless high school girls who judge people on how they look. My answer would be "yes." Is there a deeper side to Alba? A troubled youth taking a moment to duck under a tree to jot down some biting poetry in a tattered notebook between shots? Probably. Do we want to see it? Probably not.

Because she's hot.

"She's so lucky. She's a star. But she cries cries cries with her lonely heart...if there's nothing missing in her life then why do these tears come at night?"
- Aristotle, 322 B.C.

In fact, she wasn't even cast as "Dark Angel" because of her work or abilities, according to entertainment sources...she was cast because of how "racially vague" she is, and because of that would sell in a broader market. So the powers that be in the world of television have placed the beautiful little goddess in a beautiful little chair in a beautiful little castle to apply more and more sparkly nail polish between David Arquette movies. And do we care? Does some valiant knight rise up and sweep Alba away, to protect her beauty and maintain her integrity as a thinking human being?

Of course not. She's a delicate little glass statue, and she wouldn't have it any other way. She couldn't have it any other way.

She's pretty. And we're going to be hearing about it for the rest of our lives.


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