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My First Love - Thora Birch

posted by B on 4/03/01

If I wasn't so enamored with Thora Birch, I'd be trendy and say my affections were cutting-edge. I'm finally mature enough to appreciate someone's individuality, to look deep within a person's being and see the very fibers and whole-wheats that make a human being beautiful. If I wanted to be trendy, I could say that I was tired of the women the media told me were beautiful...those teenage girls with bouncy blonde hair and boobs that were so perky they rested just below the earlobe.

But I'd be lying. Those kind of girls make the world go round, companies wouldn't be able to sell beer and cigarettes without chicks like that. And to be quite honest with you, the media doesn't tell me that women like that are beautiful at all. The tell me that Calista Flockhart is "beautiful," or Jennifer Aniston, or Gwenyth Paltrow, or any woman who is so "metropolitan" that their "career" involves sticking their "fingers" down their "throats," successfully erasing the "guilt" associated with eating a "cocoa pebble." These women have hips you could play ring-toss on. I swear to God, you couldn't hug Courtney Cox, you'd slit your wrists trying to put your arms around her.

But then again you'd voluntarily slit your wrists to avoid touching anything that's touched David Arquette's crotch.

So, as I hold my ambition to one day live at the foot of Thora Birch's bed high in a happy meadow of admiration, I try to forget that the magazines tell me I should think she's hot to buck the system. As a human I pride myself in being too evolved to adhere to an "individuality through anti-social group dynamics" stereotype, so I tell myself that she's hot and then buck a hole in the wall. Heh heh heh.

And I try not to think about David Arquette's crotch while I'm at it.

Everybody imagines themselves growing up and being one with somebody they look up to. My cousin Brad wanted to be tight-pantsed legend Scott Hamilton worse than anything in the whole world growing up, so he bought a pair of ice-skates and worked as hard as he could, day after day to learn the ins and outs of competitive figure skating. After years of practice he finally achieved his dreams, and now eaten out more asses than the entire cast of Cats. See, dreams CAN come true!

And my dream, at the tender age of 14, was to befriend and eventually hold sexually explicit hands with the star of Monkey Trouble, then 12 year old Thora Birch. There's a moment in your life where girls your age start to be attractive, and Thora was the first girl roughly my age to make me understand why I was gonna end up digging girls in the first place. In retrospect, liking the girl from a movie called Monkey Trouble was probably a really bad idea. On a barely related note, Thora was not the first female that I found attractive...that honor belongs to "Julie" from Growing Pains. But since Julie was both a) a playmate and b) fired because of Kirk Cameron, I write her off as an interpersonal impossibility. What can I say, if I'm going to wax philisophic about movie stars I can get with I have to keep it realistic.

Monkey Trouble was one of those rare films that touches the hearts of everyone who sees it. About 3 people saw it. Plus, Harvey Keitel was a gypsy. Then she made a movie with Bette Midler called Hocus Pocus about sassy witches and rapping zombies and basically wasn't allowed to make another movie for the rest of her life. Hell, if you've sat through Hocus Pocus you didn't want to breathe for the rest of your life, much less have to sit through another movie starring anyone or anything involved. I thought my dream girl was going to be gone forever, lost in a void of endless time and space. My mind became a battlefield of emotions, raging from deistic hatred and cascading to the depths of a dark and unforgiving hell, before I decided to move on with my fragile life and play some Nintendo. Nothing overcomes heartbreak like jumping onto Birdo's egg and smacking that transvestite dinosaur in the face with it.

I sit through the first couple of minutes of American Beauty and as much as I was enjoying Kevin Spacey whacking off in the shower it wasn't until she graced the screen that it hit me. Through my squints I saw the little girl from Monkey Trouble five years, puberty, and about 15 cup sizes later. It turns out that Thora Birch, in her time away from movies, had blossomed into a beautiful woman, complete with the matured good looks and assumedly all the pubes that come along with it.

Plus, she didn't have that stupid klepto monkey with her anymore, so I could fantasize about her peacefully without having that creepy bestiality aftertaste in my mouth.

Thora Birch was in a great movie with American Beauty but no matter how much I dig her it's hard to sit through any of her other movies. Wait, lemme rephrase that... I'd rather sever my optical nerves with a red hot exacto knife than have to sit through any of her other movies.

All I Want For Christmas (1991) **

Thora's first big movie was a Christmas movie where she asks Santa for parents or something. This is the kind of movie that warms your heart so much that you have to take a big festering dump afterwards, not so much for the intestinal distress as for the burning desire to expunge waste. I give the movie two stars, however, because it is not Hocus Pocus.

Patriot Games (1992) ****

Birch stars as Harrison Ford's daughter in this political thriller, where Nazi terrorists hijack a nuclear sub and force the president to fight for his family's lives on a runaway train. This was young Thora's career pinnacle, because starring in a movie with Harrison Ford was great until he made Six Days Seven Nights. Now it's like starring in a movie with ass.

Hocus Pocus (1993) negative 1 million *


When am I going to propose to Thora? When Jaws pops out of the water.

Very close to being the worst movie ever made. Thora's Mom dresses up like Madonna, so these three fat lesbian witches (Bette Midler, Kathy Najimy, and the rest of Kathy Najimy) make zombies dance and try to eat children or something. The movie doesn't make a lot of sense, and Thora turns in her worst acting job, probably because she had lost a lot of sleep after reading the script.

Now and Then (1995) negative ** for the film, negative 2 million * for the insult

Now and Then deals with four girls as children and then as adults. I've never actually seen this movie, but the down syndrome jackoff who made this cast Christina Ricci as a young Rosie O'Donnell and Thora Birch as a young Melanie Griffith. Right. Thora would grow up to look like Melanie Griffith if her face got caught in a wheat-thresher and then she ate about a dozen cheeseburgers.

American Beauty (1999) *****

The real beauty of this movie is that the dorks and religious enthusiasts of Lynchburg, Virginia (where I live) have completely missed the point. I worked in a video store, so every night I got to watch people pick up the box, stare and squint at it, and then put it back on the shelf. What's it about? It's about you not appreciating life and being a turd. Then they'd ask me if it was any good. Who cares that the Academy named it Best Picture of 1999, I wanna know what the overworked and underpaid video clerk thinks!

WHATEVER-DUDE SPECIAL FEATURE

The perfect movie for the patrons of Blockbuster Video:

Ice-T and Ashley Judd star as sexy renegade cops who discover that internal affairs has set them up to take the fall for the murder of a scientist who has created a virus played by one of the Olsen Twins. Without warning, a series of mix-ups and cover-ups leads to a series of gross Ashley Judd nude scenes and a slow-motion gun fight featuring mutants and sassy teenagers on top of the statue of liberty. Soundtrack by Destiny's Child and Phil Collins. Also, a talking dog that plays soccer.

Dungeons and Dragons (2000) (estimated) *

I haven't read the spoilers yet, but I hear that all the main guys sit around a table. There they sit, rolling dice and writing silently onto paper for 2 hours. You never actually get to see them play. I also hear that Thora does something a lot more worthwhile with her time, like ritual self mutilation. I also hear that there's no way in hell I'm sitting through a Dungeons and Dragons movie. I'm proud to say I only participate in upper-tier dork activities, like watching wrestling or renting "Species" so I can see that chick naked again. If I wanted to watch a Wayans brother and some Xena-level special effects I'd just watch the fucking WB.

The Hole (2001) estimated **, eight million * for the title

The Hole is a psychological thriller about four British private schoolers, out for adventure.  When they discover an abandoned hole that looks to have been a bomb shelter in the past, they decide to host a private party. The party goes awry when a group of wandering samurai riding robot bears show up. Actually, they get locked in the hole and Blair Witchy chaos ensues. I dunno, the movie sounds pretty cool I guess, as long as Thora's British accent is up to par and we get lots of "Hahah you're in the hole" jokes.

Ghost World (2001) estimated 1/2 * for making me go "blarg"

Ghost World is based on the highly popular comic book by Daniel Clowes about a teenage boy coping with super powers after being bitten by a radioactive spider. And then he turns green and wears purple trousers. NO, wait! Haha, I'm so funny.  It tells the story of Enid and Rebecca, two best friends struggling through a difficult time in their friendship as they complete high school and begin to realize that they may not remain best friends forever. Blarg.

"Friiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeends forEVEEERRRR!!!!"

Remember when Slater couldn't keep that chick in the full nelson? That was funny. Slater, you gay diver.


See how hard it is to deeply and honestly love someone who treats you so badly your entire life? Thora should be starring in hilarious teenage sex romps, in either the rated or the UNCENSORED AND UNBELIEVABLE UNRATED VERSION. And if she can't be in those, she should at least battle zombies or mummies or something. Something that chic geeks are into, not dragons. Kevin Sorbo should be in movies about dragons. So should Melanie Griffith. Griffith should also be in movies about dead people, starring as a dead person.

But in all seriousness, Thora's just about as close as I get to a fuzzy warm feeling these days. And, if my plan goes correctly, I'll shave my head, paint my face like Darth Maul, and live in her bushes.

Either that, or get up the nerve to call her. And when I do, on that beautiful day, I'll try to steer her as far away as I can from this article about how much I hate her movies. Because I own most of them, and just can't keep the negative thoughts to myself.

Thora did get naked, in American Beauty, once. When she was 17.

I'd like to close with a few song lyrics. ::ahem::

Freude, schöner Götterfunken,
Tochter aus Elysium,
wir betreten feuertrunken,
Himmlische, dein Heiligtum!
Deine Zauber binden wieder,
was die Mode streng geteilt:
alle Menschen werden Brüder,
wo dein snafter Flügel weilt.

An ode to joy, indeed.

b
swan@whatever-dude.com

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