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Mariah's Theme: An Unholy Shriek of Death

posted by B on 4/09/01

I've made my opinions about popular music well known in the past, but most of the time I'm just talking out of my ass. For instance, I don't really think Mandy Moore is twelve years old, and hey, if *I* was in middle school I'd probably have the hots for her. Also, I don't think *Nsync sucks, I think they have created a giant clay statue of Mua Mua, the Incan God of suck, and worship him with homosexual parties every Tuesday afternoon before "Angel."

I would, however, like to make one thing perfectly and crystally clear. I am not a fan of Mariah Carey. And "crystally" is not a word. The human tongue cannot create the sounds necessary to equal the hatred I feel for the personality and character of "Mariah," so I must resort to poor grammar and words that don't exist. Mariah done got so annoying I want to foke her upside her head.

There are three things that really piss me off about music:

1) The fact that nobody likes hair bands anymore.

2) The way that guy from Everclear has to ruin every song he sings by going "NOOOOOOOO!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!! YEEEEEAAAAH!!! OOOOH!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!" during the chorus.

And 3) Mariah Carey's flagrant use of past accomplishments to bombard our already fragile society with album after album of sampled, phoned-in performances.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... Mariah Carey sprung onto the early 90's music scene as a breath of fresh air. Finally, a racially nonspecific songstress who was respectable enough to wear clothes (unlike Janet Jackson or the Divinyls) and who actually had a moderate amount of vocal talent (unlike everyone other than Sarah McLachlan and the dude with the mullet from Journey).

Imagine Whitney Houston, minus the constant barrage of poorly pitched vocal manipulation and the constant barrage of stiff right hands from Bobby Brown.

She was so popular and talented that her first 1,100 singles went to number one. "Hero" and "Vision of Love" gave teenage girls across the country inspiration to be better people and something besides "Greatest Love of All" to sing at the talent show. At one point Mariah could've released an LP of her greatest greasy bathtub farts and it would've went platinum seven times.

Then, at the height of her fame, she married her record producer, the head of Sony.

And that's when it happened.

Mariah realized that she was so rich, so powerful, so young that she didn't even NEED to sing quality songs. She released her "Butterfly" album and divorced her husband, some six-hundred years her senior. Off went the effort, off went the innocence, and off went all but half an inch of her clothes.

In went half a million gallons of make-up, in went the hair dye, and in went the impossibly giant and floppy plastic chest.


WAYS TO TELL THAT MARIAH CAREYS BREASTS ARE NOT REAL

1) Skinny girls do not have breasts that rest on each side of their ribcage. Mariah could put her hands on her hips and it'd look like she was hauling watermelons over to Wyclef's refugee picnic.

2) When real girls are on their back, the breasts lay flatter on the chest than normal. When Mariah Carey is on her back, the breasts lay flatter on the chest than normal, because they are firmly pressed against the ceiling. Also, when Mariah Carey is on her back Derek Jeter and any black guy that has an album has a free shot.

3) Real nipples are not ALWAYS erect. Mariah could carve a Thanksgiving Turkey and her nipples would still be sharp enough to cut through a steel pipe.

Mariah also observes the "Britney Spears Hypothesis," which states that:

The number of albums released in consecutive years is directly proportional to amount of plastic necessary to increase breast volume. I mean the number of knee surgeries you need.

Britney has released two albums in two years, and she's gone up at least five cup sizes.

Mariah's released 9 albums in the past 10 years. Do the math.

4)


THE BIG OFFENSES:


Don't get me wrong, fake boobs aren't a reason to hate somebody. Here are five good reasons to hate somebody:

1) Mariah holds the record for the "Most Expensive Non-Michael Jackson Video Ever Made" with her movie-theater self-hating epic "Heartbreaker." This video contains:

a) Jerry O'Connell
b) A really long and retarded fight scene between the "heartbroken" Mariah and Jerry's new girlfriend, Mariah in a wig. This is almost as entertaining as brushing my teeth with a blow torch. And almost as intelligent as a Shaq movie. Whatever is worse, I haven't decided yet.
c) Bad Mariah Carey animation. Imagine putting Mariah in the "Nanny" themesong.
d) The lyrics "gimme your love gimme your love gimme your love gimme your love" and "love in the Jacuzzi love up in the movies."
e) Mariah wearing clothes that my Mom would buy at the thrift store. MARIAH. You make over five million dollars a year. You can shop at the Sears. Leave the fucking thrift store for punk bands and Gwen Stefani, okay?

2) The song "Mariah's Theme," or "They Can't Take That Away From Me," or "OH GOD PLEASE MOM MY EARS ARE BLEEDING AND I CUT MY STOMACH OPEN OH NO THE GUTS WON'T MAKE THE MUSIC STOP." This song is HORRIBLE on a new level. The song is:

a) Off key. Off key as HELL. This is what you get for releasing an album every year, you start scraping the bottom of the barrel. Remember Hootie and the Blowfish? Same thing.
b) Immoral. Mariah's song of personal empowerment and unmitigated motivation is accompanied by her on all fours in daisy dukes and a tank top without a bra. It's like watching Martin Luther King, Jr. speak about the dream of human equality in a halter top and Capri pants.
c) Egotistical. The video starts with clips of kids talking about how much Mariah has helped them in life by singing this song. Dude, Mariah hasn't done shit for me until she cuts me a check.

3) Mariah is a regular contributor to VH1's Divas Live concert series, which is less like a concert and more like a cleverly disguised diversion to keep Aretha Franklin from eating our country's supply of livestock. Mariah joins a wonderful group of people including:

Celine Dion - Our generation's crown princess of overexposure. Nobody really understands the depths of Celine's talent, because she is too busy retiring every few minutes. She also likes to sleep with very old men and has a pointy head. She is a lot like Anna Nicole Smith only...her head is really pointy. Have you ever looked at it? Pointy. Very pointy.

Gloria Estefan - Also known as "GLORYESTEFFEN" to Latino people who talk too fast. Gloria is the most vocally challenged of the "Diva" set and only has two major offenses to her name:

a) That "The Rhythm is Gonna Getcha" song. Hey Gloria, that song came out about 20 years ago, right? I think the rhythm would've gotten me by now.

And b) She was in a boating accident and did not actually die.

Shania Twain - Nothing says "I just overcame the stigma and stereotype of Country Music" like leopard-print capri pants. If she's so set against being country, why in the hell did she choose it as her profession? That's like Goldberg being a wrestler and hating it, or like Regis Philbin resisting the urge to put his fist through Kelly Ripa's skull. Just do it for Christ's sakes.

And so on. Horrible, really.

4) I saw Mariah plastered all over MTV during "Black History Month" this year. Last time I checked spreading your greasy olive thighs for a bunch of rappers doesn't make you the national spokesperson for Black History.

5) She's what, 30 now? I buy 15 year old pop sensation and 12 year old country sensation records now. I stopped buying Mariah's records like SO five minutes ago.

Plus her face looks like a puppy that's been stretched and beaten.

Not that I don't like her or anything.


I've compiled my final list, as kind of a "point-counterpoint" to make the post fair to Mariah:

THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN WORSE THAN MARIAH'S THEME

The Holocaust
The assassination of John F. Kennedy
The Oklahoma City Bombing
"Batman and Robin"
The unholy marriage of John Cougar Mellancamp and Jessica Simpson for the video "I Think I'm in Love"

Okay, the last one is worse.

But in all actuality, Mariah Carey is doing nothing more than ripping apart the fabric of our society quicker than she's ripping off DMX's clothes. She's proven that if you lose it, you can just keep doing it and nobody will really notice.

Just like Alicia Silverstone. Or the Atlanta Braves.

So let your voice be heard, let us, the readers and writer join like the rain and phone VH1, get online and petition TRL on MTV, or do something, ANYTHING involving three letters or numbers that will silence the "Dreamlover" for good. I'm not advising that we KILL her, persay, because that would be a crime. I suggest we put her on television without make-up once and let the viewing public bombard her with large heads of lettuce until she can't move.

And that's not a crime.

That's justice.

And they can't take that away from me.

b
swan@whatever-dude.com
IM: NotAGoonie

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