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An interview with Beetlejuice

posted by Paul on 4/11/01

Few of you reading this will be unfamiliar with the phenomenon that is Howard Stern. Radio "Shock Jock". Best Selling author. Crusader for anti-censorship.

Hero. Villain. Pervert. Man.

There are many words used to describe Howard Stern. His most ardent fans are convinced that he's a genius, a modern day Moses leading the misguided into the pit of screwball humor. And maybe he is. "Being misunderstood is the fate of all true genius" and few are as misunderstood as Howard Stern.

Stern is a master at self-promotion and a ringmaster in one of the most entertaining circuses in broadcasting history.

Few radio personalities can boast that they've had their lives turned into a successful movie, but Stern has many strings to his bow. Like a virgin on prom night, he's hard to pin down. Anyone who's listened to his show is either repulsed or aroused. Sometimes both. His critics listen just as much as his die-hards.

But Howard, a hero of the air-waves, is loved by so many for his celebration of the truly absurd. His show is, in many ways, a microcosm of society. With its managerial heirarchy, ball-busting and frayed atmosphere, it always represents riveting radio. And Stern's chosen few serve him well.

Just like his frequent guests and fixtures on the show. The so-called "Wack Pack". The freaks. These guys are loved by the audience, and adored by Stern. Either born "different" or just plain bizarre, they help make the Howard Stern show a mainstay.Some have high-pitched voices, some drink too much, some are addicted to crack and some are just physically disproportionate. The pack is widening, but the most popular right now is:


Beetlejuice is a dwarf. A black dwarf.

It's fair to say that he's "different", but it can be argued that he's damn intriguing. Whether he's being used as a human bowling ball or puking live on-air, Beet is sure to deliver the laughs.

Which is why we had ti track him down for a few words. We love him, and we're hoping that after this interview, you'll love him to. We know you will.

Hey Beet, just for our readers who might not be familiar with you, describe yourself in ten words.

My wife don't know shit no more! In 10 words? I can do that in like 20 or 40 words.

Why did you call yourself Beetlejuice? You're not dead, and you're not pestering Alec Baldwin.

Cause I like the movie,dude. How you know I ain't dead? You been there?

When you're not amusing people on the Howard Stern show, or appearing at private parties, what do you do in your spare time?

I changed a spare tire twice, you ever do it?

You've achieved huge cult status and an army of loyal, if nutty, fans.
How much poon have you gotten out of it?

I been in the army for 4 years bro. I shot like 150 Chinese people and i fucked their wife in the ass.

Chicks dig celebrities. You're a celebrity. If you could have any chick in the world, who would it be?

Maybe like Pamela Anderson

Have you railed any female celebrities? We hear that Tori Spelling digs black guys.

I love to ride a train right up Tori's fat ass.

What were you doing before the Stern show noticed you and turned you into a celebrity in your own right?

I was a cook, made like 400 pizzas a day.

What's your favorite memory of being on the Stern show?

When this bitch ate a carrot outta my ass. It felt delicious.

I won't even ask you to expand on that one. But a lot of people say that Howard Stern is just out to exploit people. Do you feel exploited? Does it really matter?

It don't mean shit, dude.

Who's the coolest celebrity you met on Stern? Who was the biggest asshole?

David Spade was cool. Bill Maher was a piece of shit.

Say a few words about the following people, even if it's bad:

Howard Stern - Howard is my best friend

Baba Booey - a pain in the ass.

Robin Quivers - I like to bang that.

Hank The Dwarf - a real asshole piece of shit.

KC Armstrong - a cool guy

Stuttering John - he is ok, he just looks sly.

Jackie "Jokeman" Martling - he left Howard and didn't even tell him he was going.

What's Howard like off-air?

Howard is always cool.

Did you cry when you heard Marvin Gaye died?

No, man, but his father killed him and stole his money.

What Beatle did you admire the most?

The one with the bald head.

What do you think Delta Burke tastes like?

Like a bagel.

About how large do you think Gary Dell'Abate's teeth are?

His teeth are like the size of a lawnmower.

When you worked in dwarf tossing, did you ever fart right before someone threw you?

I farted in this guy's drink .

What is the largest man you ever beat up?

He was like 8ft like my size.

What is the oldest woman you've ever had sex with?

Around 76yrs old.

Is Oprah hot?

Oprah got a big black ass.

Well, of course. What is your favorite song to have sex to?

Michael Jackson.

Are the Wayans brothers really black?

Yeah, they are black. I think they're from Poland or Ireland.

Did the Jews ever steal your money?

No, I would have sliced his throat.

Would you have sex with Donald Trump for ten thousand dollars?

I ain't that gay, dude.

Have you ever danced with B.B. King?

I danced with his daughter in high school a long time ago.

Has Regis ever hit on you?

He tried to hit me but I was too smart.

You're going to be appearing in a few movies. Talk briefly about those.

The movies were good, I acted real funny. It was funny.

If you could appear in one movie (past, present or future), what would it be?


Since you turned down Tom Hanks' part in "Saving Private Ryan", what role do you see yourself in? Honestly, would you like a serious acting gig?

I been in that movie like twice bro, I save Ryan like 44 times.

Do you think there'll ever come a time when dwarfs won't get parts for cheap, comedic relief?

I'm like 6'7", dude. I weight like 48lbs. He can't hurt me.

Are you a better actor than Vern Troyer? Do you like him?

I act on my own. I been doing it for a long time. He's a good man

You appeared very briefly in WCW. Are you a big wrestling fan?

Wrestling is good. I know all those guys.

How was your WCW experience?

I punched Slap Nuts in his balls. Like 2 or 4 times.

And finally, where do you want to be in five years?

The fucking beach, where yo think?

The staff of would like to thank Beetlejuice and everyone associated with his charmed life as a dwarf who has lots of gross sex for granting us this cherished interview, and hope that this makes us (unofficially) the best website ever ever ever. It takes a real man to wear a faux-Superman suit, and we're all basically just living up to his legacy.

Make sure to visit 'Juice's official site at


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