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Blast Off at the Speed of Light
posted by B on 2/13/01

Pokémon, as a fad, isn't as strong as it used to be. People say it's poorly animated, lacks character, and exists only to sell overpriced plush toys that your dog will eat and piss you off. I mean, toys for kids. But you're blind.

You're all blind.

It's never been about selling merchandise. The characters aren't soulless sheets of paper spouting nonsensical information about a world obsessed with animals. It's never been about the Japanese marketing machine throwing flashing lights and bright colors at kids. No, you've missed the point entirely.

It's all about humanity, and equality.

Not since the glory days of Hulk Hogan's Rock n' Wrestling has the world of children's television been blessed with such three-dimensional characters. They bring definition to those around them by evolving, developing, and extending their typecasts and breaking new ground within the already fuzzy lines of "good" and "bad." They are sympathetic to the definition of the world - all they want is the freedom to be themselves and to maybe ONE day NOT be shocked by that stupid yellow rat.

To protect the world from devastation. To unite all peoples within their nation.

To denounce the evils of truth, and love. To extend their reach to the stars above.

Jesse and James.

Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light. Surrender now or prepare to see the ten greatest moments in the history of televisions greatest fag-hag romantic/platonic relationship.

That's right!

The Top Ten Team Rocket Moments

10. Officer Jenny and Officer Jenny

Episode: 51: Case of the K9 Caper
The context: The first appearance of Team Rocket's "voice altering" technology, and the first time we learn that James really does shave his legs. To capture a team of police dogs, the Rocket Gang mimics the voice of Officer Jenny (one of eighteen-hundred million Officer Jennys inhabiting the Pokémon world) to "trick" them into running away. The real shining moment here is when Jessie and James are making the quick costume change, and James asks Jess to "hand him those pumps."
The bizarre thing: The grossest part of this episode is the ending, when sexually repressed Brock steals one of the voice altering megaphones and compliments himself in Officer Jenny voice. I of course recognized all the phallic symbolism in shows like "He-Man," with a big muscle guy in furry ass underwear swinging a big sword around, but a lead-in to a masturbation subplot is not something I'm ready for on Saturday morning.

9. "Feast your eyes on the KING of KARP!"

Episode: 16: Pokemon Shipwreck
The context: Quite possibly the greatest one liner in the history of animation. Threatened with the idea of drowning in a sunken ship, Jessie and Meowth suck it up and apologize to James, who'd just spent their entire month's salary on a useless water Pokémon. Thanks to his years of drama and modern dance, James strikes a pose and displays his prize Magikarp with the exclamation. Then the Magikarp doesn't do anything and James looks like a big idiot.
The bizarre thing: This is the first moment James begins to hate "fish," which is way too deep and Freudian for me to even scratch the surface of. I'm still waiting for the day when he dresses up like a big cock and sings a song about how much he loves himself.

8. Snow-gasbord

Episode: Special Ep: Snow Way Out!
The context: Cold, hungry, and lost on a big snowy mountain, James and Meowth bemoan their situation...until Jessie reveals her fondness for snow. When questioned, Jessie reveals that since she "didn't have much growing up," her mother would make her entire meals out of snow. Snow rolls with soy sauce, snow pudding, the works. This moment helps move Team Rocket from "weird" to "psychologically damaged."
The bizarre thing: Jessie always seemed a little touched, but the revelation of child abuse and malnutrition makes her more "Christina Aguilera" than "Britney Spears." Plus, like Aguilera, she weighs like four pounds and her head is way too big for her body. She also likes to hang out with gay dancers. And when have you ever met a fag-hag who DIDN'T own a cat?

7. Shocking Violence

Episode: 50. A Chansey Operation
The context: Maybe my favorite episode ever. Team Rocket succeeds in stealing a truck load of Pokémon, and then wrecks the truck and injures everybody. So, in typical bad guy fashion, they help out at the hospital and then try to steal all the Pokémon again. Does Ash stop them, by "blasting them off again?" Does Misty use one of her water Pokémon to save the day? No way. It's the sexually deviant Dr. Proctor, the head doc at the hospital, who THREATENS TO CUT THEM WITH SCISSORS AND SCALPELS UNLESS THEY LEAVE. I'm not kidding.
The bizarre thing: Is when Dr. Proctor (who's got to be in his 20's or 30's) hits on the 11 year old Misty. Maybe there IS something about prepubescent chicks who wear overalls to hold up their shorts, but in my eyes that's still pretty synonymous with attempted child molestation.

6. Cheerleaders

Episode: 14. Electric Shock Showdown
The context: Another well-known entertainment site covered this episode, the big Pikachu vs. Raichu battle for the Thunder Badge, and COMPLETELY omitted the best and most significant part of the episode. Moved by Pikachu's bravery, Team Rocket debuts their "conscience" by dressing up as cheerleaders and rooting for the yellow rat-that-looks-more-like-a-rabbit. The Rocket cheerleaders appear many more times during the run of the show, and the "conscience" plays a big part in their famed rise to "face" glory in Pokémon the Movie 2000.
The bizarre thing: James' cheerleader outfit DOES have a skirt, but I'm still shocked that he didn't show up in a pink two-piece with white bloomers and a big red R on the ass. Male cheerleaders are always big wieners, though, so maybe it's not really James' fault.

5. "I miss James!"

Episode: 45: Holy Matrimony!
The context: The first of three moments from the infamous "Holy Matrimony" episode. Faking amnesia, James tells the story of "little James," who, along with his trusty Growlithe "Growly," run away from home, only to wander the Charles Dickens-looking streets and freeze to death in the cold. By the end of the story everyone is crying over James' death, until cynical bitch Misty states the obvious: that James is still alive, because he's telling the story. Maybe she's not as gullible as the other characters, but she hates Psyduck, so she can go straight to hell.
The bizarre thing: Little James dying in the streets is entirely illustrated, complete with angels descending to carry him to heaven. I had my doubts about Japanese culture before, what with them eating their dogs and having vending machines that dispense lesbian schoolgirl panties, but this pretty much cemented it. Harry Truman didn't finish the job.

4. Oh my FUCKING God

Episode: 96: Wherefore Art Thou, Pokemon?
The context: Team Rocket wants to steal some Nidorans who are "in love." So they dress up like a bride and groom. If somebody drugged David Lynch and punched him in the back of the head until he wrote a story I'm assuming he'd do something like this. It has very little relevance to the plot, other than to kick every notion of James' heterosexuality in the stomach and give it the Stone Cold Stunner.
The bizarre thing: That his even exists. A wedding dress? I find it hard to think of anything witty to say when cartoon characters show up in wedding cross-dress. I thought it was pretty homo of Bugs Bunny to dress up like a woman and tongue Elmer Fudd, but even he would hitch James to the back of the truck and drag him for this.

3. Invisible Suits

Episode: 45: Holy Matrimony!
The context: The second "Holy Matrimony" moment. Perhaps their greatest disguise was adorned when James' parents faked their death to bring him home. Jessie and Meowth want to "disappear," so they don "invisible suits:" black jumpsuits with a veil over their face. Even Ash, who undoubtedly has lost about a hundred wallets to the "wallet inspector," didn't fall for this. Not their most creative disguise, nor their most homosexual, but it defined them as complete and unmitigated fucking idiots.
The bizarre thing: I'm still shocked that Ash didn't fall for it. If Ash's Mom walked up to him and said "Ash, I have a secret - Pikachu is really your father," Ash would go "Pikachu?" in a really confused voice and then completely believe her. And then he'd cry and give away all of his Pokémon like a retard.

But who IS Ash's dad? Professor Oak, or Mr. Mime?

2. It's all down hill from here.

Episode: 3. Ash Catches a Pokémon!
The context: In their first appearance, the Rockets, along with Koffing and Ekans (God rest their souls), looked like A-1 bad asses. So in this first official attempt to capture Pikachu in the woods, it's fitting that Team Rocket AND their two best Pokémon lose badly to one of the smallest and weakest Pokémon around. Caterpie, with all the strength and reserve of a green turd, uses weak attacks and completely dominates. It was the first time we could see how pathetic these guys really are.
The bizarre thing: Before this, Team Rocket's "plan of attack" was to fly over the Pokémon center and drop bombs in it. Pretty effective, right? After this, Team Rocket's "plan of attack" was to build a big robot that would dig a hole, and then they could dress up like hula girls or something and try to get Ash to fall into the hole. Caterpie must've given them brain damage.

1. Rocketshipping

Episode: 45: Holy Matrimony!
The context: Ah, controversy. The ending to "Holy Matrimony" gave one group of Pokémon fans an endless supply of fan-fiction material, while giving the other half reason to jam their index finger down their throat and vomit all over the television. Reassuring their partnership and friendship, Jessie and James fly away in the Meowth balloon, hands clasped. I ranked this number one because it's one of the ONLY Team Rocket happy endings, and because we didn't have to sit through another video package telling us how much Ash loves Pikachu. We GET it, okay? He has sex with the mouse, now stop ramming it down our throats.
The bizarre thing: In the Japanese comic (or "manga," which is Japanese for "manager") Jessie and James end up MARRIED with a kid on the way. Just like "Will and Grace," television is instilling the hope in young women that if they just HANG IN THERE and KEEP TRYING they can make gay guys not gay. It's sad, especially when you read the fan fiction OMG

In conclusion, remember, this list was compiled thanks to hours of television research, much of which involved me sitting through commercials for "Digimon," which is essentially the same thing as Pokémon but about as fun as festering rectal cancer.

Also, I saw a commercial for "Max Steel," which I would've played with and enjoyed as a child had I been born with a giant dent in my forehead. What are children watching these days?

Can't they stick to shows about sexually repressed men and women trying to steal animals?