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Blockbuster Video SECRETS REVEALED!

posted by B on 4/13/01

People always talk about Disney being evil, but I think they're missing the point. Disney isn't evil. Preachers with boners (Little Mermaid), horny animals (The Lion King), and the forbidden love between a man and his monkey (Aladdin) don't qualify as "evil." Those things qualify as "disturbing" and "borderline pedophelia," but not "evil." Evil is the mass genocide of the Jewish community, or murdering your parents with a hatchet, or any show with Bob Newhart in it.

If you want my take on an evil corporation, I can tell you without reservation that the most evil of all companies is the company that I worked for for almost a year, Blockbuster Video.

Wow! What a difference! What a difference indeed, a difference that includes the misinforming customers to get their money, the mistreating of employees, and backstage politics that would make Joseph Stalin look like Richard Simmons after six bottles of Nyquil.

It's sad that I worked there for so long...the few benefits were the things that kept me hanging on. For example, my five free rentals a week gave me the ability to rent old G.I. Joe tapes or Elizabeth Berkely movies without having to pay for them. Anyone who pays for an Elizabeth Berkely movie, even a buck ninety-nine, should be slapped in the face and thrown into a hole.

When you're in on the ground floor you're a "customer service representative," a fancy name for the random dumbasses who check you out with a flash of absent personality. Most customer service representatives, or "CSR's," are seventeen year old girls who love movies like "She's All That," or seventeen year old guys who PLAY FOOTBALL AWRIGHT RAAAAAWK and have pimples on their heads the size of most forest animals.

Oh yeah, "CSR's." Blockbuster has faggy initials for everything in the store. Workers are "CSR's," managers on duty are "MOD's," the older movies are called "BSI," the kids who come in and rent movies like "Beaches" or "Steel Magnolias" are called "FAGs," and so on. It's like the owners give everything super streamlined nicknames to make themselves sound like high-society go-getters and to hide the fact that they work at the fucking video store.

Working there made me hate humanity, but I won't rant about that here. If you haven't already, watch the Kevin Smith movie "Clerks." That's gonna be a whole lot funnier and just as true as anything I could bitch about. However, I can take it a step ahead.

Want to get free movies? Want to get out of paying late fees? Want to know the tricks that will put "Showgirls" into your VCR without your parents seeing it on their account two weeks later?

As a public service, I've decided to tell you the secrets to bring Blockbuster down from the inside.


Getting out of late fees:

Late fees happen whenever you bring a video or game back after it's due date. They're completely fucking insane too, if your new release is 2 hours late, that's a big 4 bucks worth of late fees. For video games it's 5 bucks, and for electronic equipment you could end up paying up to twenty dollars every couple of days you're late. Sure, those are the rules, but those blue-shirt bastards won't know what hit them if you take one of these approaches:

1) The Direct Approach:

The easiest way to get out of late fees is to complain. The Blockbuster Handbook says that the CSR's duty is to please the customer, and it's stupid to lose the customer's hundreds of dollars a year over a late fee.

Possible opening lines:

CSR: "You've got a three dollar late fee on your account."
You: (bug your eyes out and lean over the counter, looking at the computer) "What? What? I don't have a late fee. You're kidding. I know I don't have a late fee, I brought my movie back on time!"

The most important thing to remember is to ALWAYS SAY YOU BROUGHT YOUR MOVIE BACK ON TIME. If you brought your movie back seven years late to some other video store in Eastern Europe, scream out with all your heart that you brought your movie back on time. The Blockbuster computers are so screwed up that hey, it COULD be the computer's fault. Throw your hands up and raise your the time the manager is there you should've freaked out the dumbass CSR enough to get your late fees taken off, or at least a few free movie rental slips.

2) The sneaky way.

This ALWAYS WORKS. 100% fail safe. Follow these instructions and you'll get out of paying almost any late fee you could imagine.

Step 1: Rent anything you want. Try to only rent one thing at a time, because if you rent thirty things and do this trick you're gonna look suspicious. And while I'm talking, rent something that doesn't suck, okay? If it's got Lou Diamond Phillips in it and it's about space leprechauns with giant tits that eat genius ninja babies or something, use your fucking head and put it back.

Step 2: Keep the movie or game for as long as you want, but make sure you memorize the day and time it was supposed to be returned. This is very important later. If possible, remember the day you rented it too. It helps to legitimize your story. For this example we'll say you rented "Rocky IV" and it was due back at 12 noon on Friday.

Step 3: Casually stroll back into the store and walk to where Rocky IV's box is. The CSR at the desk will say "hi" to you, but he/she will care about as much as they care about eating their own feces. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, DO NOT PUT THE MOVIE IN THE DROP BOX. DO NOT RETURN IT TO ANYBODY WHO WORKS AT BLOCKBUSTER.

Step 4: Put Rocky IV back on the shelf yourself, just stick it behind the box. Don't make a big deal about it and nobody will even come close to noticing.

Step 5: Rent whatever you want. Preferably something expensive, just so you get your money's worth.

Step 6: Bring your rental to the check out counter. The dope at the counter will tell you that "Rocky IV" was like a billion days late and that you've got a 30 dollar late fee on your account. This is where you go ape-shit, just like in the Direct Approach above.

Things to remember:

- You returned Rocky IV before you went to work (that line always works) at 8 AM on Friday (the day it was due).

- Don't wait for the CSR to tell you that it was due back on Friday. Blurt that out as soon as he tells you you've got a late fee. Make it look realistic, like Tom Hanks playing a retard.

Step 7: After a bit of arguing the CSR should get the manager to help out. Explain to the manager that you brought your movie back on time, you're SUPER DOOPER SURE OF IT. Lay it on thick. Alan Thicke.

Step 8: The manager will check the shelf to see if the CSR just missed it when they were checking the drop box. Sure enough, Rocky IV will be right there behind the box. This is where the manager starts kissing your ass and takes off your late fees.

Step 9 (optional): If you really act distressed about all the trouble you've been put through, bitch to the manager about how the CSR was rude and questioned your integrity. You're sure to get some free movie rental slips, and maybe even a giftcard for your trouble.

Step 10: Love me forever, because this really works.

(ed. note - it's come to my attention that some Blockbusters have security features installed inside to prevent that case, have a friend go in before you and hand the video over the rail when the bored and disenchanted CSR isn't looking. They really won't notice. And if they do, they can't really do anything. Like always.)

If any of you out there actually try this, make sure to e-mail me and let me know if it worked. But if you rented something with "Sinbad" in it, or something gay like "The First Wives Club," don't e-mail me at all, because I hate you.

As extra incentive, if you call the regional manager and complain about your local store giving you unfair late fees, you might get some extra stuff out of it, posters, screener tapes, anything.

I managed to snag the "Man on the Moon," "The Hurricane," and "American Beauty" screener tapes without my manager knowing. Plus, I got a copy of "Ride With the Devil" and got my figurative "rocks off" about a million times watching Jewel unbutton her shirt and fondle her boob. This joy could be yours!

Getting Better Playstation/Dreamcast/PS2 Games

Have you played your copy of Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2 so many times that you can't even make Officer Dick powerbomb himself into the ground without the machine slowing down and stalling? It's probably because of scratches and various inadequacies on your disc. There are three things you can do when this problem arises.

1) Frantically try to clean your discs with whatever's lying around the house...paper towels, toilet paper, used toilet paper squares, your tongue, etc. Hopefully you tried your tongue before you tried the used toilet paper squares.

2) Call your rich Uncle Wonka or whoever to buy you a new copy. You're probably one of those uppity queers who's parents paid you to get good grades in school. I want to kick you in the butthole. You bought the Sega CD AND the 32X. You loser.

or, my way.

3) Waltz into your Blockbuster (stroll, don't dance or you'll get looks) and rent the damaged game you own. Most Blockbusters have multiple copies, so you might have to try a few times to get a good one.

Bring the game home and switch the damaged discs for one of the new ones. Wait a few minutes and call Blockbuster to complain that "the game you just rented didn't work." Most of the time they'll only let you switch it for the same game, but if they're all out (or you rented the only copy) you'll get to use that rental money for something new. And your game is fixed. Viola!

Two snags: Snag 1) If you own "Tomb Raider 34 - The Legend of Pointy Polygon Vagina" or something, Blockbuster's gonna have 9 billion copies of it and you prob'ly won't be able to switch out something new to rent. That's okay, it's better to pay 5 bucks for a new game than 40.

Snag 2) Blockbuster writes "BLOCKBUSTER" or something sassy across the disc and puts a sticker on it to keep these things from happening. You can either write "BLOCKBUSTER" on the disc yourself or just bring in the disc unaltered...most stores are filled with inept losers who skip responsibility anyway, so they'll think it's their mistake.

Free DVD Rentals

The same problem arises as with the video games...if you rent anything with Ashley Judd in it Blockbuster's gonna have 9 billion copies and it's useless. But if your store's only got one copy of a movie you want to rent for free, you're ready to roll.

Somebody let one of the Judds out of their hillbilly cage

Watch your movie, enjoy it. Masturbate on it for all I care. Then, just remove the security sticker from the front of the DVD and slap it on the side that plays the movie. Return the disc and say that "it won't play." Somebody will eventually figure out the problem and you'll get a free rental. Make sure to complain a lot so they think you're an idiot. That helps with the free stuff.

Free Posters or Stand-ups or Whatever

New stuff comes in on Friday morning when the mail up and bug the sleepy morning manager and you'll at least get your name on the back of the item you want, so you'll get it when they're done. If they're being a dick about it, or one of the employees wants the item, flash your BLOCKBUSTER GOLD CARD and say these catchphrases:

"That's crazy, people do this all the time, why can't I??"

"I've been coming to this store for YEARS and I can't get this poster??"

"It's for my little brother man, he's only six years old! We waited in the blistering cold for (the item) for four hours and you just said no!"

Basically just bitch and you get what you want. They don't care about you OR the employees...Blockbuster just wants your service. Threaten to remove service and they'll wash your fucking feet.

I hope you're happy with the life you've chosen for yourself.

Cheaters never win. And winners never use drugs. So that means that if you cheat Blockbuster you do drugs.

Love is blind. And God is love. Stevie Wonder is blind. Does that make Stevie Wonder God?

The world is full of puzzling thoughts. Stick your intelligent member into the eye socket of your local CSR and make his or her life a living hell. It's worth it.

Especially if the movie has Ashley Judd nude scenes.


IM: NotAGoonie
Number of Rentals on Blockbuster Account: 883




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