Last Article - Whatever-Dude - Next Article

The Super Fire Wickid Awesome Chips Ahoy! Tribute

posted by The WD Staff - B and Dave on 4/16/01

I remember when I was younger, rushing home to find my Mom standing near the oven, ready to take out her latest batch of homemade cookies... Waittaminute, that never happened. You see, I was part of the other segment of the childhood population. I was one of those kids that looked at a bag of Nestle's chocolate chips and never realized that what was in that bag possessed the inherent purpose of going on a cookie. Hell, they made good eatin on their own.

My Mom was never big on baking. The closest she ever really came to baking was when she used to roll joints and "get baked" while I was at school during the day. Mom.. I'm just kidding. I know you were totally straight when I came home and you were belting out your favorite Joni Mitchell songs.

All of my birthdays were sponsored by Carvel. Any after dinner baked good I ever ate seemed to always have the name Entenmann's on the box; and when it came to little Davey hankering for a chocolate chip cookie.. well, then it was time to reach into the center drawer next to the kitchen sink and pull out the bag of Chips Ahoy!

Don't get me wrong... Chips Ahoy! is a quality product. Their whole "Betcha bite a chip" ad campaign was quite genius, in that it helped kids of non-baking mothers feel that Nabisco had overcompensated for a lack of motherly love, with an overabundance of chocolate chips. Still though, sometimes I just wanted that warm sensation of a freshly baked cookie in my mouth... so it was time to turn to the most overhyped invention of the 80's... the microwave.

In the 80's, we were led to believe that the microwave could do it all. From drying off wet dogs who've just come in from the rain to making a cup of hot chocolate in two minutes under the time of a regular stove... it was the greatest kitchen invention of all time... or so they told us. One thing the microwave could do however was spark the notion in the head of a young Dave Macchia, that Chips Ahoy! could be made to more accurately substitute for the freshly baked experience.

Thanks to Kenmore, Nabisco and thirty seconds, this guy made chips that were gooey. Bet I bite a chip? Fuck that... Bet I smear a chip on my hand and then subsequently under my eyes like I was a part of some twisted Lord of the Flies chocolate cookie eating experience, is more like it.


Yesterday, while I was out at a Japanese restaurant for Easter dinner... (Huh?.. Exactly.). My Mom and I were enjoying a cigarette break together when the following conversation took place:

Dave: "I have to write about Chips Ahoy! cookies when I get home tonight."

Mom: "What are writing about them for?"

Dave: "Well one of the other writers for the site wanted to collaborate on an article about them.. and I figure I'd talk about how you never made us cookies... and I had to microwave Chips Ahoys as a substitute"

Mom: "Oh, so this article is gonna be another hatchet job of me. Well you could at least talk about how I'd put them in a big glass jar to make it look like I had made them."

Dave: "What are you talking about?? You never put them in a glass jar. I had to try and figure out how to open the damn bag without ripping off those "Stay Fresh" folding tabs at the end."

So not only did my Mom not bake cookies for me... but she also has the nerve to try and lie about at least putting them in a glass jar. "Betcha bite a chip?"... More like "Betcha bite a little piece of repressed emotion of feeling unloved by your own mother, who flaunts her Jewishness by taking her Catholic children to a Buddha-infested Japanese restaurant, on the day Jesus came off of his bench in the cave to hit the three pointer that sent the world into overtime."

Chips Ahoy! The exclamation point is there for a reason folks.


B: My mom and I have had a few knife fights about cookies before, but I'm not so self-centered that I think Chips Ahoy! and their relevance to society revolves around me. Way to go, Dave. Why don't you answer some of your fan mail before the kids start driving over the bridge with their girlfriends in the trunk.

::ahem::

Our story begins long ago, in a galaxy FAR FAR away.

In the days of Augustus Caesar, God sent an angel to Israel, to a virgin named Mary. She was engaged to Joseph, a carpenter. The angel told Mary that by God's power, she would conceive and bear a son.

When Joseph learned that she was pregnant, an angel instructed him to marry her. Joseph took her to Bethlehem to register for a census. While there, Mary gave birth to the man who would one day create Chips Ahoy!. She laid him in a manger because there was no room at the inn. Shepherds visited in Bethlehem, and under the guiding star could not bite without hitting a chip. Joseph bet them, and they lost, so Joseph got to keep all the frankincense.

Later, those little Girl Scout bitches that think a piece of chocolate with some coconut sprinkles on it constitutes a cookie told Herod the Great, a wicked king, that Chips Ahoy! would rule Israel. So Herod sent soldiers to eat all the Chips Ahoy! in Bethlehem. Warned by an angel, Joseph took his family to Egypt. After Herod died, they returned to Israel and ate their Chips Ahoy! with a glass of frothy milk in Nazarus.

About two thousand years later a young man (or was it a woman?) named B began to write in his loose leaf journal about his experiences with the manna from heaven called Chips Ahoy!. Is the snack head and shoulders above the rest because you cannot bite without hitting a chip, or is the snack so admirable because of the delightful play on words? "Chips Ahoy!," B would say, perched in the crows nest of a vessel bound for a new world of taste sensations. "Captain, Chips on the starboard bow!" or some junk. B would often dream these wonderful dreams and fall asleep. But things weren't always so good for Chips Ahoy!.

chipsahoy!dentransport aus Berlinkeine Liquidierung.

That is: "Transport of Chips Ahoy! from Berlin. No liquidation."

Narrator:From this B concluded that Hitler had somehow learned what the creator of Chips Ahoy! was up to and had ordered him to stop. An obedient Nazi, the creator had called Nabisco Co. in Prague to transmit Hitler's order. But in view of everything we know about the destruction of the Chips Ahoy!, B's construction of events makes no sense. If the creator continued to eat the Chips Ahoy! long after November 30, I941, why did he order the liquidation of this one transport stopped? If he deceived Hitler before and after about the scrumptious brunch, why should he be honest about it this once? Besides, what became of that transport of Chips Ahoy! from Berlin? Were they returned home? B's conclusion fails to provide a satisfactory explanation of those two lines in view of what actually happened, though it serves to support his perversely fanciful interpretation of Hitler's character.

And that's why I love Chips Ahoy! so much. No, wait...

I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows that Chips Ahoy! are the greatest cookies on Earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing the cookies are in every single chip, and how they taste with 2% dairy product, "milk," and in every single crumb that falls in my sheets, and how they taste good, and how you almost always know that you cannot bite without hitting a chip. I think most people miss that about Chips Ahoy!, and I watch them, wondering how they can bite into the Chip without saying "ahoy," or always hit a chip and never get that they just tasted the best fucking cookie ever. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.

That might be the best meal of my life.

PS. We should eat together to.

b and Dave
Bad articles AHOY!
swan@whatever-dude.com
dave@whatever-dude.com

Talk about this post in the forum!