Last Article - Whatever-Dude - Next Article

The Turning Point in the War on Drugs: NARC

posted by B on 4/20/01

What Is To Be Done?

Searching for Meaning in Our Tragedy

April 20th, 2001 -

Today marks the second anniversary of the Columbine High School "Trenchcoat Mafia" shootings. In the aftermath of the most terrible day in Colorado education, when the pain and grief of those who have suffered loss is beyond what words can express, all of us are asking the questions: "Why? How did this happen? What can we do to keep it from happening again?" Whatever-Dude.com, adhering to its Constitutional responsibility, joins the Columbine community and the rest of the State in seeking the lessons that may be drawn from the awful tragedy of April 20, 1999.

As we seek the why behind this infamous event, we must find answers beyond the easy and obvious. How weapons become used for outlaw purposes is assuredly a relevant issue, yet our society's real problem is how human behavior sinks to utter and depraved indifference to the sanctity of life. As our country promotes academic literacy, we must promote moral literacy as well, and it is not children, but adults in authority who are ultimately responsible for that.

Should we blame the government? Should we blame the parents? Should we blame the white rappers who hate gay people? No.

BLAME NARC.

NARC was the brain child of OCEAN (the software company, not "Billy") and probably Nancy Reagan. Nancy was the leader in the "war on drugs" that was real big in the 80's...she was the President's wife during most of the decade, so every Saturday morning when "Muppet Babies" would go to commercial her creepy face would pop up telling us not to do drugs. When she decided that a spooky skeleton woman preaching the evils of substance abuse in lame commercials and a guest spot on "Diff'rent Strokes" weren't enough, Nancy pushed up her sleeves (or the wrinkly skin on her arms) and got down to business.

She (or spores from her inhuman body) and OCEAN developed a surefire way to get kids to stop smoking pot. They would create a video game that tells people that smoking pot is bad! After all, when the "Batman" game came out people realized that the Joker killing people was wrong and murder vanished instantly. Even later, when "Super Mario Bros. 3" was released kids learned that if they "grabbed the special leaf" they could fly. So as lame as the idea was, it was with good intentions that NARC was created to show kids that using drugs was bad.

They got something different entirely.

Using drugs is bad? No. Using drugs means that a crazy cop will show up in a sports car and explode you the fuck to death with a rocket launcher. From the game itself to it's instruction manual (for the later NES version), NARC existed to mess with peoples minds and give them an excuse to kill people in the most violent manner possible. Here is Gregory E. Fischbach, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of Acclaim Entertainment to tell you more.

Playing NARC is one way to express a stand against drugs. The real test, however, is in your actions. So, spread the word that doing drugs is no longer "cool," and join Acclaim, Max Force and Just Say No International, in working to become the drug-free generation. Happy gaming!

Drugs were cool before NARC came out. Now, they are "no longer" cool.

"Max Force" is the appropriately named cop you control as player one. As for "Just Say No International," they're an elite fighting force assembled to battle Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization bent on world domination. Excuse me, assembled to battle "drugs," not Cobra. But I bet Cobra was behind the drugs all along. Cobra was behind everything.

In fact, all the GI Joe show ever was was fake army guys dressed in theme-outfits shooting guns at bad army guys in theme-outfits. They had tanks with thirty wheels and giant nuclear missile launchers on top...but GI Joe never came CLOSE to expressing the simple deathwish of OCEAN's arcade classic. Say if one of the "Joes," say "Shipwreck," the faggy sailor, has a problem with Cobra, he'll shoot a pistol (which fires a blue laser...I dunno) at a Cobra airplane and blow it up. The Cobra guy would eject and shake his fist a lot. None of that in NARC. You can't shake your fist if you don't have a body.

The cops didn't carry around nightsticks and handcuffs...your two weapons of choice were "machine gun" and "rocket launcher." No better way to deal with a junkie than by standing thirty feet away from him and blasting a subatomic torpedo through his torso. The deaths were insane in NARC...if you connected with a rocket the junkies body exploded from the center, sending arms and feet and testicles and wisdom teeth splattering across the street. To give "Max Force" some credit, the junkies ARE throwing needles infected with DANGEROUS and ADDICTIVE drugs at him. There aren't any civilians to be found in the war on drugs. Just junkies throwing needles. Why are the junkies throwing needles at the cops? What kind of junkie wastes his drugs like that? I once watched a stupid raver kid chase a pill down a sewer grate. He doesn't just walk up to the mall cop and start hurling "E" at him.


No one had the rocket launchers ... UNTIL NOW!

Oh, there are dogs, too. "Evil attack dogs" according the instruction manual, but I think the cops just got their rocks off blowing shit up with rockets. Shooting the dogs produces the same result as shooting the junkies - dog nuts and dog ass splattered on the curb. However, the instruction manual recommends a more creative way to end their lives:

RABID PIT BULLS--Crouch and fire to turn them into hot dogs.

LAND MINES--Avoid 'em. Or coax a pit bull to run over 'em.

Nothing in my twenty-one year life has shown me the evils of drug abuse than advice suggesting I coax a dog into running over a land mine. I'm sure somewhere in the "Legend of Zelda" instruction book it says "try to lure your horse into the lake so water fills his lungs and he dies."

The people you've been sent to "arrest" never seem too threatening, though. The junkies wander around aimlessly and appear to be "moonwalking" thanks to the wonders of shotty game production. There are "psycho clowns" and "prostitutes" as well, who always seem to be hanging out with each other. I guess in a world where people throw drugs at you and dogs are tricked into walking over land mines some clowns who want to pay for sex are harmless.

As a "game" goes things are simple and disappointing. There aren't even any standard "platforms" for you to jump on...you just walk down a street blowing up everything you see. If you're one of those "humane" bleeding-hearts who think that gratuitous violence is NOT THE ANSWER, Max Force could "arrest" people...this was done by walking up and touching the junkie. You got more points for doing this, and as we all know a human being will shrivel up and die as a worthless piece of shit unless he gets the most points possible. The second (and the most satisfying) way of winning the war on drugs is by getting in your sports car and ramming into people. Most two-player games began with both players ignoring the whores and clowns and making a dash for the car. The first player in the car got control. This caused more in-arcade violence than crack did. I was playing with my cousin Brad once and he distracted me to get control of the car. I shot him just to watch him die.

The final stage really shook things up, though, because the streets finally lead you to an UNDERGROUND DRUG FACTORY where guys who LOOKED LIKE RAMBO tried to kill you. By the time you get here you're essentially FORCED to kill people to win the war on drugs. Defeating Rambo and his Force of Freedom lead you to the big final battle with "Mr. Big."

Hold on little girl
Show me what he's done to you
Stand up little girl
A broken heart can't be that bad
When it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby, come on over
Let me be the one to show you

I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you feel it too
Watied on a line of greens and blue
Just to be the next to be with you

Mr. Big was almost impossible to kill, because of his high technology and that song just makes you want to throw dangerously infected needles at yourself. Defeating Mr. Big meant that you had successfully won the war on drugs, a victory so realistic that it is only rivaled by the Aerosmith arcade game "Revolution X," where music triumphs over communism.

So the big moral dilemma remains...do we really admire and fondly remember a game full of excessive violence against men, women, clowns, and dogs that suggested that our societies problems could be solved by shooting everybody? Absolutely. Max Force was even featured in the short lived "Power Team" cartoon, a wannabe Captain N show featuring one of the guys from "Arch Rivals" and the monster truck Bigfoot. That show was about stopping Mr. Big as well, but the show was canceled when the basketball guy busted a cap in the cops ass.

With the influence of NARC floating around in the trenchcoated minds of the students of Columbine, it was only natural that a group of outcast kids decided to solve their problems by exploding some clowns and whores. And Christians. Of course there weren't any Christians in NARC that I know of, but I like to think that at least some of those Rambo guys on the last stage accepted Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior into their hearts before their chests detonated.

So today, the second anniversary of the biggest tragedy ever to happen to deluded white people, join me, the Internet's leader in sensitivity, in a silent prayer for the dearly departed. Look back on the things that've shaped the lives of us as young people - songs about hitting babies one more time, movies about Julia Roberts finding someone to have sex without of wedlock, and video games where cops coax animals into committing suicide - and say a silent prayer for yourself.

The war on drugs might be over...but we're going to be fighting for our sanity for the rest of our lives. The biggest irony of all is that Ronald Reagan lost his sanity years ago. Coincidence? Thank you, Nancy. You really improved our lives.

b
swan@whatever-dude.com
AIM: NotAGoonie
Winners: Don't use drugs.

Talk about this post in the forum!