Others sprang to mind - I could choose Gwenyth Paltrow, who was nominated (along with her 1/2 inch spine and jagged hip bones) for an Oscar for looking a lot like a man. I could choose Hilary Swank, who won a Best Actress Oscar for looking even more like a man, or even Helen Hunt, for her progressive portrayal of emotionally unstable white trash. Suddenly I began questioning my own sexuality. Do I really want to support an industry full of she-males? No! I want to run through fountains of breasts and dance through a vaginariffic field of female sensuality.

Then, it hit me.

"JACK!"

Yes, I always think about the characters of Leonardo DiCaprio when I'm trying to reassure my sexuality. Scratch that. I always think about the characters of Leonardo DiCaprio when I'm trying to reassure my chauvinist desire to insult things that are prettier than me. When I want to reassure my sexuality I think of the wonderful presence and high-octane curvitude of Kate Winslet.

I've always been a fan of women who actually look like and are shaped like women. Granted, the Courtney Cox/Jennifer Aniston-led stick women of the world are the ones the media tell you are beautiful. Maybe they're right. Maybe I'm missing the point entirely. But when blood from the "horn dog" lobe of my brain travels down to my navel and needs a place to go, Kate Winslet steps in and "dictates" the direction. She controls my flow. ::wink wink:: She gets my juices stirring, if you know what I mean. ::nudge nudge:: An erection. Yeah.

Winslet is a very accomplished British actress. Just about every film she's starred in has made "Titanic," the blockbuster of the 20th century, look like child's play. Kate has gained and lost weight for roles. She has portrayed little sisters, mad women, under-appreciated Americans, and hippie mothers...but through it all she's given us one static element of performance - one meteoric constant that rises about Academy Award mediocrity and comes crashing down into our crotches like a divine ball of fire from heaven.

She gets naked. A lot. A whole lot.

I'm not talking "you can see Jewel's nipple if you look really hard and pause it right" naked. I'm not talking "Neve Campbell takes her shirt off and you can almost see the side of one of her boobs from behind" naked. Full on, stark, wonderful naked. The kind of naked religions are based on. The kind of naked that pours from within, often times into a napkin or paper towel.

This space on the web will stand as a branching exposition to celebrate the diversity of Kate Winslet's acting prowess. When I'm dead and gone, Dave will scoop this page up into his hands and let it go free. Hopefully it will fly across the ocean and mate with other pages devoted to Kate Winslet naked. Until that fateful day, open your eyes and behold, the wonder of diverse nudity.

Kate has been...

NAKED WITH OTHER GIRLS

Kate's big break came in the critically acclaimed "Heavenly Creatures," a movie about mentally deranged teenage girls who fantasize about having sex with statues. Actually, it's about a friendship that drives people insane, and Winslet gives a marvelous performance. However, the performance is overshadowed by two inalienable offenses:

Offense 1) Only girls can sit through (or even mildly enjoy) the movie. Any self-respecting man who gets half way through begins to look around and ponder whether or not to stab any females in the room with him to death. If you don't already hate irrational teenage girls, watch this movie and join the club.

Offense 2) Kate's costar (let's call her "DiCaprio") speaks with the most grating accent I've ever heard. To this day I mock it whenever I see a chick with baggage. I'm all "theees is a FAHNTEESTIC whay tee gowe BONKAHS!!!"

Kate appears almost naked in a bathtub scene, and has a fairly extensive (and completely harmless) make-out session with DiCaprio. Then they fantasize about statues. Where's my Mom? I want to stab her.

NAKED WITH GEORGE W.

The easiest film on the entire Internet to find naked vidcaps of has to be "Jude." They're on every page on the net, right there between those pics of Tiffani-Amber Theissen in the mesh top. Jude is one of the saddest and most depressing movies of all time, both because of it's message that antisocial desire is inherently self-destructive, and because of a REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY NASTY child birth scene. For anyone who's seen this, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I saw this for the first time about six months ago, and I've yet to stop puking my guts up.

It's unfortunate, because the childbirth overshadows the first appearance of one of Kate's signatures - full frontal nudity. Kate appears with bush more often than Barbara. I guess the best way to confront a media that accuses a 125 pound woman as being "fat" is to whip off your pants and thrust your hairy crotch into their face. Since Jude Kate's been nominated for two Oscars. Must've worked.

NAKED WITH A GREAT DANE

In the Kenneth Branagh 89 thousand hour theatrical release of William Shakespeare's "Hamlet," Kate plays Ophelia and gets naked about 2 1/2 seconds into the movie. Why do Shakespeare movies always feature the most tits? The guy wrote about fairies and guys with donkey heads for Christ's sakes. He didn't write "Bikini Car Wash."

I couldn't find an image capture from the movie, so here's a picture of folk singer Jewel trying to lasso Roseanne.

NAKED WITH OTHER HOMOSEXUALS

What can I say about "Titanic" that hasn't already been said? We, as a moviegoing public, gave James Cameron over a billion dollars for taking over three hours to show a boat sink. Personally, I think we should TAKE a billion dollars from Cameron and hold it over his head. Then maybe we can make him promise to stop tacking on shitty endings to his movies.

Titanic - After three hours of epic action and special effects, some old lady throws a priceless necklace into the ocean. What, is your dead boyfriend gonna wear it now?

Alien - After two hours of epic action and special effects, we get a pan...and a fade...and...we're done? What? WHAT?

Terminator 2 - After two hours of epic action and special effects, our heroes valiantly defeat the T-1000 and save humanity from the oncoming computer mutiny. The Terminator must be destroyed as well, and as he's being sadly and slowly lowered into the molten steel he....gives them a thumbs up. THE KILLER ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE WHO FEELS NO EMOTION AND EXISTS ONLY TO SERVE AND PROTECT GIVES LINDA HAMILTON A FUCKING THUMBS UP AS HE'S DYING. Then he starred in Batman and Robin.

So what can I say about "Titanic" that hasn't already been said? How about this: It was about panda bears. Okay, that works.

NAKED AS ANIMATION

While I'm thinking about it, how did Titanic get a PG-13 rating? It's got gun fights, extensive shots of a naked woman, and Billy Zane says "fuck" a couple of times. Now I know where a few hundred grand of that budget went. Somebody on the MPAA's got a new speedboat. They go VRROOM!

NAKED WITH CHILDREN

Hideous Kinky is the story of two sisters (seven and five years old) traveling with their hippie mother from London to Morocco in the late 60's. They encounter many adventures, new experiences, and interesting culture as tag along on their mother's search for freedom and love. It is told through the eyes of the youngest girl, and we learn her observations on life, Mum, and determined sister, Bea. Somehow, Mum gets naked and starts having sex with a pubeheaded guido while the kids watch.

This walks that fine line between "the cops arrested my dentist for having naked pictures of kids in his office" and being completely boneriffic.

Hideous Kinky also features Kate...

NAKED WHILE EATING

Those creepy late-night HBO specials have told me many times (often up to 800 times a week) that food goes great with sex. I'm not sure if I agree. Sure, I wouldn't mind some whipped cream and cherries every now and then, but if some girl whips out a Double Cheeseburger and squishes it into my butt I'm dropkicking her into a trashcan and throwing her into the sun.

NAKED WITH SOMEBODY WHO WAS IN MONKEY TROUBLE

Watch as Kate Winslet expresses the troubled mind of an impressionable girl by spending 1/4th of this movie with her pubic hair exposed. Watch as Harvey Keitel takes a break from playing a gypsy with a trouble causing monkey to dress up like a woman and have sex with Kate.

The combined onscreen nude time of Harvey Keitel and Kate Winslet is still being calculated by NASA computers. Look for Winslet to star in "Oh My Knickers Fell Off Again and Again" while Keitel follows up with "I Have a Desire to See My Penis on a Giant Screen."

I bet his monkey is pissed.

NAKED AS A DEAD PERSON

During this half-assed presentation of breasts on Whatever-Dude.com, I've made bestiality, homosexual, and child molestation jokes. The final frontier? Necrophelia, obviously, a heartwarming (pardon the pun) journey that River Phoenix's not-so-hippie-but-still-alive brother Joaquin tackles in last year's most underrated movie, "Quills." Kate gives another fanriffic performance, and helps to reassure us that long after she's dead and gone we'll still be able to fantasize about having sex with her.

I loved this movie, but when I went to see it there was some chode-smoker sitting two rows behind me that kept going "SWEET" and "OH MAN YEAH" everytime somebody got killed and/or naked. People like this should stick to movies about SWAT teams fighting dinosaurs and monsters with pumpkin heads. Religious debates don't translate well with the Transformer generation. They just want to see cars turn into robots. Bunch of savages.

Recently our darling Kate has become a mother, and has been seen around London or Paris or one of those fancypants European coffe-drinking cities with a big baby in a sling on her back. Reproducing, however, has not deterred her from her duties. Kate is starring in several new projects, and, assumedly, will get naked in at least 3/4ths of them. Movies not covered in this article include Kate's foray into kids cinema ("A Kid in King Arthur's Court") and into Jane Austin novels ("Sense and Sensibility").

After all, Kate can get naked while having gross childbirth on screen and when she's dead, but even the most pants-free of women have trouble getting naked to Jane Austin. I have trouble breathing to Jane Austin. But regardless of my thoughts, it would take at least five hours to get the women out of those corsets and bonnets and horse-led carriages or whatever, and James Cameron isn't directing. Besides, if he was, Kate would get naked and give us a big thumbs up.

The many, many images of Kate Winslet's body will keep me company on those lonely nights at Olive Garden. Every time I reach into the window and grab a blistering hot plate of lasagna because the cooks have down syndrome I'll imagine her natural curves and smile. Then I'll throw the hot plate at the cook and burn his face. Then I'll put some aloe on my hands, because it smells good. After the cook receives his medical attention, I'll go back to loving Kate.

Because the world is too short for me not to show this woman appreciation.

When I die, I don't want her old ass throwing my jewelry into the ocean.