Yesterday I was at work, and, during an
unusually long gap between rednecks asking me if we had any Tobasco sauce to go on the
manicotti de formaggio, tried to figure out who the best actress on Earth was. At first I
went with the obvious choice - Julia Roberts. She's like Gumby. If you have a heart, then
you love her. Then I thought about how I don't actually HAVE a heart and would like to
punch her in her mouth. During the Oscar acceptance speech I wondered how many of the
academy members she could cram into the tooth-riddled hole. God knows she must have at
least twenty-thousand teeth in there. She's like a whale.
Others sprang to mind - I could choose Gwenyth Paltrow, who was nominated (along with
her 1/2 inch spine and jagged hip bones) for an Oscar for looking a lot like a man. I
could choose Hilary Swank, who won a Best Actress Oscar for looking even more like
a man, or even Helen Hunt, for her progressive portrayal of emotionally unstable white
trash. Suddenly I began questioning my own sexuality. Do I really want to support an
industry full of she-males? No! I want to run through fountains of breasts and dance
through a vaginariffic field of female sensuality.
Then, it hit me.
Yes, I always think about the characters of Leonardo DiCaprio when I'm trying to
reassure my sexuality. Scratch that. I always think about the characters of Leonardo
DiCaprio when I'm trying to reassure my chauvinist desire to insult things that are
prettier than me. When I want to reassure my sexuality I think of the wonderful presence
and high-octane curvitude of Kate Winslet.
I've always been a fan of women who actually look like and are shaped like women.
Granted, the Courtney Cox/Jennifer Aniston-led stick women of the world are the ones the
media tell you are beautiful. Maybe they're right. Maybe I'm missing the point entirely.
But when blood from the "horn dog" lobe of my brain travels down to my navel and
needs a place to go, Kate Winslet steps in and "dictates" the direction. She
controls my flow. ::wink wink:: She gets my juices stirring, if you know what I
mean. ::nudge nudge:: An erection. Yeah.
Winslet is a very accomplished British actress. Just about every film she's starred in
has made "Titanic," the blockbuster of the 20th century, look like child's play.
Kate has gained and lost weight for roles. She has portrayed little sisters, mad women,
under-appreciated Americans, and hippie mothers...but through it all she's given us one
static element of performance - one meteoric constant that rises about Academy Award
mediocrity and comes crashing down into our crotches like a divine ball of fire from
She gets naked. A lot. A whole lot.
I'm not talking "you can see Jewel's nipple if you look really hard and pause it
right" naked. I'm not talking "Neve Campbell takes her shirt off and you can
almost see the side of one of her boobs from behind" naked. Full on, stark, wonderful
naked. The kind of naked religions are based on. The kind of naked that pours from within,
often times into a napkin or paper towel.
This space on the web will stand as a branching exposition to celebrate the diversity
of Kate Winslet's acting prowess. When I'm dead and gone, Dave will scoop this page up
into his hands and let it go free. Hopefully it will fly across the ocean and mate with
other pages devoted to Kate Winslet naked. Until that fateful day, open your eyes and
behold, the wonder of diverse nudity.
Kate has been...
NAKED WITH OTHER GIRLS
Kate's big break came in the critically acclaimed "Heavenly Creatures," a
movie about mentally deranged teenage girls who fantasize about having sex with statues.
Actually, it's about a friendship that drives people insane, and Winslet gives a marvelous
performance. However, the performance is overshadowed by two inalienable offenses:
Offense 1) Only girls can sit through (or even mildly enjoy) the movie. Any
self-respecting man who gets half way through begins to look around and ponder whether or
not to stab any females in the room with him to death. If you don't already hate
irrational teenage girls, watch this movie and join the club.
Offense 2) Kate's costar (let's call her "DiCaprio") speaks with the most
grating accent I've ever heard. To this day I mock it whenever I see a chick with baggage.
I'm all "theees is a FAHNTEESTIC whay tee gowe BONKAHS!!!"
Kate appears almost naked in a bathtub scene, and has a fairly extensive (and
completely harmless) make-out session with DiCaprio. Then they fantasize about statues.
Where's my Mom? I want to stab her.
NAKED WITH GEORGE W.
The easiest film on the entire Internet to find naked vidcaps of has to be
"Jude." They're on every page on the net, right there between those pics of
Tiffani-Amber Theissen in the mesh top. Jude is one of the saddest and most depressing
movies of all time, both because of it's message that antisocial desire is inherently
self-destructive, and because of a REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY NASTY child birth
scene. For anyone who's seen this, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I saw this for
the first time about six months ago, and I've yet to stop puking my guts up.
It's unfortunate, because the childbirth overshadows the first appearance of one of
Kate's signatures - full frontal nudity. Kate appears with bush more often than Barbara. I
guess the best way to confront a media that accuses a 125 pound woman as being
"fat" is to whip off your pants and thrust your hairy crotch into their face.
Since Jude Kate's been nominated for two Oscars. Must've worked.
NAKED WITH A GREAT DANE
In the Kenneth Branagh 89 thousand hour theatrical release of William Shakespeare's
"Hamlet," Kate plays Ophelia and gets naked about 2 1/2 seconds into the movie.
Why do Shakespeare movies always feature the most tits? The guy wrote about fairies and
guys with donkey heads for Christ's sakes. He didn't write "Bikini Car Wash."
I couldn't find an image capture from the movie, so here's a picture of folk singer
Jewel trying to lasso Roseanne.
NAKED WITH OTHER HOMOSEXUALS
What can I say about "Titanic" that hasn't already been said? We, as a
moviegoing public, gave James Cameron over a billion dollars for taking over three hours
to show a boat sink. Personally, I think we should TAKE a billion dollars from Cameron and
hold it over his head. Then maybe we can make him promise to stop tacking on shitty
endings to his movies.
Titanic - After three hours of epic action and special effects, some old lady
throws a priceless necklace into the ocean. What, is your dead boyfriend gonna wear it
Alien - After two hours of epic action and special effects, we get a pan...and a
fade...and...we're done? What? WHAT?
Terminator 2 - After two hours of epic action and special effects, our heroes
valiantly defeat the T-1000 and save humanity from the oncoming computer mutiny. The
Terminator must be destroyed as well, and as he's being sadly and slowly lowered into the
molten steel he....gives them a thumbs up. THE KILLER ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE WHO FEELS NO
EMOTION AND EXISTS ONLY TO SERVE AND PROTECT GIVES LINDA HAMILTON A FUCKING THUMBS UP AS
HE'S DYING. Then he starred in Batman and Robin.
So what can I say about "Titanic" that hasn't already been said? How about
this: It was about panda bears. Okay, that works.
NAKED AS ANIMATION
While I'm thinking about it, how did Titanic get a PG-13 rating? It's got gun fights,
extensive shots of a naked woman, and Billy Zane says "fuck" a couple of times.
Now I know where a few hundred grand of that budget went. Somebody on the MPAA's got a new
speedboat. They go VRROOM!
NAKED WITH CHILDREN
Hideous Kinky is the story of two sisters (seven and five years old) traveling with
their hippie mother from London to Morocco in the late 60's. They encounter many
adventures, new experiences, and interesting culture as tag along on their mother's search
for freedom and love. It is told through the eyes of the youngest girl, and we learn her
observations on life, Mum, and determined sister, Bea. Somehow, Mum gets naked and starts
having sex with a pubeheaded guido while the kids watch.
This walks that fine line between "the cops arrested my dentist for having naked
pictures of kids in his office" and being completely boneriffic.
Hideous Kinky also features Kate...
NAKED WHILE EATING
Those creepy late-night HBO specials have told me many times (often up to 800 times a
week) that food goes great with sex. I'm not sure if I agree. Sure, I wouldn't mind some
whipped cream and cherries every now and then, but if some girl whips out a Double
Cheeseburger and squishes it into my butt I'm dropkicking her into a trashcan and throwing
her into the sun.
NAKED WITH SOMEBODY WHO WAS IN MONKEY TROUBLE
Watch as Kate Winslet expresses the troubled mind of an impressionable girl by spending
1/4th of this movie with her pubic hair exposed. Watch as Harvey Keitel takes a break from
playing a gypsy with a trouble causing monkey to dress up like a woman and have sex with
The combined onscreen nude time of Harvey Keitel and Kate Winslet is still being
calculated by NASA computers. Look for Winslet to star in "Oh My Knickers Fell Off
Again and Again" while Keitel follows up with "I Have a Desire to See My Penis
on a Giant Screen."
I bet his monkey is pissed.
NAKED AS A DEAD PERSON
During this half-assed presentation of breasts on
Whatever-Dude.com, I've made bestiality, homosexual, and child molestation jokes. The
final frontier? Necrophelia, obviously, a heartwarming (pardon the pun) journey that River
Phoenix's not-so-hippie-but-still-alive brother Joaquin tackles in last year's most
underrated movie, "Quills." Kate gives another fanriffic performance, and helps
to reassure us that long after she's dead and gone we'll still be able to fantasize about
having sex with her.
I loved this movie, but when I went to see it there was some chode-smoker sitting two
rows behind me that kept going "SWEET" and "OH MAN YEAH" everytime
somebody got killed and/or naked. People like this should stick to movies about SWAT teams
fighting dinosaurs and monsters with pumpkin heads. Religious debates don't translate well
with the Transformer generation. They just want to see cars turn into robots. Bunch of
Recently our darling Kate has become a mother, and has been seen around London or Paris
or one of those fancypants European coffe-drinking cities with a big baby in a sling on
her back. Reproducing, however, has not deterred her from her duties. Kate is starring in
several new projects, and, assumedly, will get naked in at least 3/4ths of them. Movies
not covered in this article include Kate's foray into kids cinema ("A Kid in King
Arthur's Court") and into Jane Austin novels ("Sense and Sensibility").
After all, Kate can get naked while having gross childbirth on screen and when she's
dead, but even the most pants-free of women have trouble getting naked to Jane Austin. I
have trouble breathing to Jane Austin. But regardless of my thoughts, it would take at
least five hours to get the women out of those corsets and bonnets and horse-led carriages
or whatever, and James Cameron isn't directing. Besides, if he was, Kate would get naked
and give us a big thumbs up.
The many, many images of Kate Winslet's body will keep me company on those lonely
nights at Olive Garden. Every time I reach into the window and grab a blistering hot plate
of lasagna because the cooks have down syndrome I'll imagine her natural curves and smile.
Then I'll throw the hot plate at the cook and burn his face. Then I'll put some aloe on my
hands, because it smells good. After the cook receives his medical attention, I'll go back
to loving Kate.
Because the world is too short for me not to show this woman appreciation.
When I die, I don't want her old ass throwing my jewelry into the ocean.