|Rating the Boybands: Special Edition|
posted by B on 5/01/01
My Dad is an overly condescending radio disc jockey for a country music station in the Bible belt and my Mom is a day manager at a Chick-Fil-A. So even if I hadn't been alive to hear single after single from 98 Degrees I would be a bitter child. However, one of the greatest things about being alive is that I can spitefully berate all the "popular" things that conquer the "minds" of America's new youth and laugh out loud (or "LOL") when they start to shrivel up and die. In a world that killed John Lennon, the Celine Dion pop power ballad can only be played *so many times* before we all want to tear her pointy head from her long, long neck.
I've been doing this "entertainment website writing" deal for a while now. I was a founding father and occasional writer for X-Entertainment long before it became the home of homosexuals looking for a way to meet online. So, back when the Internet first started (in the Spring of 1999), the world was a HORNY HOUSEWIFE and the manufactured boyband was our hot black stud looking for some action. Some fat guy in Orlando, Florida, decided that he could control the minds of little girls across the country and succeeded. Most fat guys I know can't even stand up out of a chair without getting winded, much less convince pussy dorks with pretty hair and eyes to make money for them.
The cookie-cutter pop with tight pants revolution that the Spice Girls started way back in 1997 is finally coming to an end, complete with boybands wandering off into holes and Britney Spears changing from a dancing schoolgirl to Sailor Chibi Madonna. Now I can't turn on the radio without hearing some of that super k-kool "rap rock." Looks like ugly white guys have found a way to make money without forcing abused and molested women to take off their clothes. Who knew that the redcap wearing dorks of the world could be so famous for screaming about how their dads used to give them a rimjob? Or, in Limp Biscuit's case....screaming about absolutely nothing at all. And going "yeah yeah what" a lot.
If it's not "rap rock," it's a bunch of 16 year old girls remaking a song from the 70's. I guess they think it's a new song. After all, it's not like they were alive in the fucking 70's.
Should we MISS the boybands that are leaving us? About a thousand a day? Will Tom Hanks make us feel bad about not building a monument in honor of their sacrifice?
To celebrate Whatever-Dude's "day the music died," I'd like to take a moment and revisit the most famous post not involving the Power Rangers to EVER be removed with spite from X-Entertainment's archives. Originally called "Rating the Boybands," we can now rename it "Finding Out Which Boybands Are Eating Out of the Toilet Now." It's just like a VH1 special, only with toilets. Except for Divas Live...okay, it's just like a VH1 special, only people aren't purposely vomiting into said toilets. There.
Picture it...Sicily...Spring of 2000...
Everywhere you look nowadays you see hundreds of hapless guys doing whatever they can to impress underage girls. In the gyms, guys spend upwards of two and a half minutes on a stairmaster so they can have the firm buttocks that impressionable jailbait prefer; in school hallways, the football players abuse and mistreat the smaller kids...and why? Not because they have a power complex, it's because the thirteen-year old cheerleader with the cotton panties and push-up bra thinks it's cool to oppress the mildly intelligent.
Another thing they like is boy bands. I'm not talking about people like the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, or Air Supply here...I'm talking about the bands that form because fat guys hold "auditions." The "bands" that feature three to three-thousand "adult men" with no "body hair" who dance like "homosexuals" to a "drum machine." This is what people in the industry refer to as "hip hop" and "funky fresh dance" and "fucking stupid."
Other things the thirteen year olds like are halter tops and Melissa Joan Hart movies, but since I don't want to actually take my own life before this post is over I'll save that for next time.
Besides...how many times do you get a chance to pull off THIS MANY gay jokes?
Members: (from the top) Nick Carter, Corky from "Life Goes On" in Rikishi Phatu sunglasses, Nameless Wholesome Christian Boy, John Leguizamo, and that guy from Quantum Leap.
Hit Songs: "I Want it That Way," "Backstreet's Back (All Right!)," "Backstreet Wants it That Way," and "All Right I Want it Back."
These are the guys who started the resurgence of turning girls into lesbians by teaching them to be attracted to really girlie looking guys. You should really be afraid of these guys. OoooOOOOOh! They're from the BACK street. I wonder if there is a GAP store on the back street? To complete the look, BSB should make all of their background dancers wear "Capri pants" and do interpretive dance to shitty showtunes.
Message to Teenage Girls: If an older guy shows up at your high school and asks you out, and you think he's cute, go home with him! You can hug puppies and read the Bible together.
The sad thing about the Backstreet Boys: Last year the Backstreet Boys made 60-million dollars world wide, yet they STILL haven't bought a penis. And for a group of skeezy looking guys with awkward facial hair they sure do like hanging out in the Burger King a lot.
Where are they NOW?: Their latest album, appropriately titled "Black & Blue," has done so less-great-than-N'sync that critics are signaling the group that helped start it all as the first crack in the boyband regime. I guess nothing was getting cracked when they were dressing up like the Transformers or monsters and dancing on a spaceship. Except for their asses. OOOH BUUURRRNNN
Hope for the Future: None. They'll go the way of the Spice Girls. Retire rich and marry soccer players. Hunky male soccer players.
Members: (clockwise from the top) "Road Dogg" Jesse James, Oscar Winner Hilary Swank, Guile from Street Fighter's Gay Son, Joey the Ugly Fat Italian, and Christina Aguilera.
Hit Songs: "Bye Bye Bye," "Bye Bye," "Bye," and "The Butt-Humping Homo Dance"
These guys are the ones who were too busy hanging out with Britney Spears and the "Mickey Mouse Club" to attend Vacation Bible School. The up side to that is that they'll forever have a place in the Disney corporation, plus they've all ass-porked Britney. The down side of that is that they'll be forever known as complete and utter pussies, no matter how many chicks they pretend to be attracted to in videos. Plus, Britney gave them all the clap
Message to Teenage Girls: They want to see you out that door, and they're going to keep saying "bye" to you until you leave. Even if you stay for like 20 minutes. Bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye!
The sad thing about N'Sync: Nobody in the Mickey Mouse Club can bench the bar. Not even Britney, and she weighs like 200 pounds.
Where are they NOW?: It's impossible to think of a society without these guys dancing around like idiots in it. They've risen from benchwarmer boyband to America's pubeheaded sweethearts, entertaining us at the Super Bowl, on television specials, in movies, in the bathroom, while we're hiding under our beds, in our nightmares, etc. The secret to their success is the blistering edge of songwriter Richard Marx, who's feathered mullet still strikes fear into the hearts of men.
Hope for the future: The N'Sync movie will be released sometime next year, and Britney's pretty close to getting pregnant. We should be wrapping this up nicely in no time.
Members: (left to right) A boy who's head appears to have been squashed in a vice, a boy who's head appears to have been stabbed with a rake, Michael Jackson, Demon Fucker, and Don Lapre.
Hit Songs: "I Do," "Invisible Man," "I Wanna Sex You Up," and "I'd Like to Stick My Tongue into an Underaged Vagina."
If you don't firmly believe that 98 Degrees sold their souls to the devil to achieve teen-pop stardom, I've got three infallible reasons why: 1) At the end of their "I Do" video, the girl they've apparently ALL been sleeping with ends up getting married to Screech from Saved by the Bell. Okay, I've got four muscular boy band guys, so I'm gonna marry the guy who let Zack dress him up like a woman a couple times a week. Only the devil can come up with something that whack.
2) This picture:
3) THIS PICTURE:
"Recording 'Sweet Kisses' is the culmination of a dream, not only because people will get the opportunity to hear my music, but also because I'm hoping that my fans will also see that you can be a good person and lead a good life and still have fun!"
-- Jessica Simpson
THE GUY FROM 98 DEGREES IS DATING JESSICA SIMPSON. The idea that this...this "man" has without a doubt inserted his possibly tattooed genitalia into the possibly discharged-soaked genitalia of Jessica Simpson ABSOLUTELY VERIFIES that 98 Degrees has a direct penis-link to the Devil himself.
And Hogan, so... damn. (thunder crashes)
Message to Teenage Girls: Sure, we might be almost 30, but we'll still think chicks without developed breasts are HOTTIES. Oh, and we are bad dudes with tattooz!
The sad thing about 98 Degrees: The blonde guy isn't really in the band. He's some homeless guy who follows them around and tells them their stupid hats look cool.
Where are they NOW?: Still around, and only Jesus himself knows why. These guys release more singles than the Federal fucking Mint, and all of them have to do with wanting to love some chick forever in the name of God. They're always "on bended knee" or "down on their knees." For a bunch of straight guys in wifebeaters they sure are on their knees a lot.
Hope for the future: When the seed is planted, the seventh seal will be broken and Hell will rain fire over the Earth. Also, more songs about how much they love you.
Members: (left to right) Date Rapist, Creepy Stalker, and Puppy Hater.
Hit Songs: "Summer Girls," "Girl on TV," "Song With Lyrics That Don't Make Sense," and "We are Evidence that God Doesn't Exist."
Message to Teenage Girls: If they have one, you can sure as hell bet it doesn't make a damn lick of sense. LFO's GREATEST LINES
"Shooby Doo Wop and Scooby Snacks, I met a fly girl and I can't relax!"
"At the risk of sounding cheesy, I think I fell for the girl on TV!"
"New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits, Chinese food makes me sick!"
"Hip-hop marmalade spic and span!"
"Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets!"
"Stayed all summer then went back home, Macauly Culkin wasn't home alone!"
"Michael J. Fox was Alex P. Keaton!"
The sad thing about LFO: I didn't make up ONE SINGLE LINE.
Where are they NOW?: One of them is sleeping with Jennifer Love Hewitt, so I guess they achieved what they set out to do. I guess the other two are busy trying to grow some realistic facial hair. In a gutter.
Hope for the future: "LFO had one hit, Chinese food makes me sick, and I think it's fly when LFO goes bye for the summer. And forever."
S Club 7
Members: (wherever) Kimberly, Trini, Zack, Billy, Jason, Tommy, Rocky, Keisha, Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, Frank Stallone, Tony Danza, the entire cast of "RENT," Posh, Sporty, Andy Dick, Malcolm Jamal Warner, Dave, Paul, Ryo, Princess Alura, Biggs, Wedge, Sephiroth, and the fine men and women of Dayton, Ohio.
Hit songs: Bands like this don't have "hit songs," they have songs that end up in the background of Real World episodes, like the one where Puck stuck his fingers in the peanut butter. Or when Amaya is crying because she has giant breasts.
Message to Teenage Girls: Send us five bucks and you can join our band.
The sad thing about S Club 7: If we hadn't saved Britain from World War II bombings, S Club 7 would be a group of seven Nazi teenagers. They'd probably sing songs about how much they hate Jews. That would've kicked ass. Way to go, America.
Where are they NOW?/Hope for the Future: Read all about it.
It's hard to tell where the future lies for these boybands. Some of them will get jobs making "music" for the chicks who have to wait a few more years to get their braces off...but, like the Grunge "Gods" of yore (Stone Temple Pilots, Soundgarden, and regardless of whether or not they believe it Pearl Jam) will end up whoring their songs out for car commercials.
"I wanna see you out that door baby BYE BYE BYE!!! The new Honda Accord!"
And so on.
Others will fade away into obscurity with LFO, making undeserving love to hapless women who won't let go of the stardom that they never deserved in the first place. It's a rewarding life without having jealous website authors like myself jumping all over their backs for wearing mesh tank tops. Or cowboy hats, or chaps.
But what does the future hold for the Nick Carters, the Justin Timberlakes, who show up on the AOL greeting screen next to Natalie Imbruglia every other day? There is a boyband out there breaking all standards of a timely death, and we all love them like we love sticking Mount Everest into our assholes.
Yes, O-Town. The "reality show" band. A band so great they're named after Orlando.
Members (or "tools"): (left to right) Former WWF Hardcore Champion Raven, a strange breed of monkey that wandered onto the photo shoot, the guy who wasn't Don Johnson from "Miami Vice," another ape of some sort, and that guy with a sissy girl name who is in every other boyband.
Hit songs: These guys had a hit with "Liquid Dream," a song sung by a group of mostly white boys about how they don't go out and have fun anymore because they're too busy having wet dreams about black girls. If I sat around my house building a website around how much I wanted to shank Marsha Warfield from "Night Court" I wouldn't make a damned penny, but these turd burglars spike their hair up and girls swoon over it. I guess their next song will be called "I Like to Queef on My Hand and Smell It Baby (One More Time)"
Message to teenage girls: You saw us "make the band" on a television show contest instead of earning a shot. You know we don't have personalities. You know we're all posers who can't play instruments. Please, buy our records. Oh, why are we even saying please.
The sad thing about O-Town: I'm still looking for a happy thing to say about O-Town. Oh, they aren't "Crazy Town." That might be the best compliment I've ever given.
Hope for the future: That a thirteen year old girl strikes me dead with her "I LUV U CARSON" sign before I have to do another "boyband" update. I should be out getting with girls, yet I'm malcontent here drowning in pussy.
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