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Phony Couples Attack: Part One

posted by Paul on 5/01/01

The real world: I'm a happy, easy-going guy who goes out of his way to be nice to people. I hold few grudges and there are very few people I genuinely hate - for hate is a wasted emotion. My disposition dictates that I'm relaxed about most things and understand the things that are important in life - love, the future, going out and having fun. This web-writing venture, for example, is sheer escapism and harmless fun. There's no-one online that I truly dislike, because this is an alternate universe, where geeky people can act like studs from the safety of a keyboard. Or people with no friends can pretend that icons on the computer are actually their "friends".

Pathetic, I know, but shockingly true.

I have two hands and two feet, five fingers and five toes on each (you get the point, I hope. Although I wish I did have five finger on my feet and five toes on my hand. For bragging rights, if nothing else.), and I could surely count on my hands and feet the number of genuine people who work for websites. It's a disturbing truth, but a lot of people have taken shelter in the web, and created new, more desirable personae for themselves. Rather than surrendering to the burden of unpopularity and deciding to improve their own real-life grey zones, these people have reasoned that making websites is a healthy alternative to actually living.

Let's be brutally honest here, living in your apartment and spending twenty hours a day staring at blinking text on a blinking monitor isn't living. Hey, I'm not judging, just pointing out the societal definition of living. People can live however they choose, but I'd rather they wouldn't rub it in my face. Because if there is one thing I hate more than phony celebrities, it's losers pretending to be celebrities.

And, believe me, I hate phony celebrities. Perhaps hate is the wrong word, since it doesn't quite encapsulate my feelings. Let's substitute "hate" for "would take great pleasure in watching them getting slowly electrocuted". More apt and visually arresting, you'll agree. I honestly couldn't tell you why I dislike the fawners so intensely. Maybe it's because they're rich, renowned and they're constantly in my face.

Ok, they do have a certain "star quality", but it's obliterated by annoying, camera-hogging personalities and the fact that we have to hear every facet of their fucked up views, backstories and psyches in every magazine we read.

"I'm just a regular girl - Julia Roberts speaks out";

"I was bullied as a child - Katie Holmes tells why she became an actress";

"I used to be clean - Robert Downey Junior lies again".

It's ridiculous. What I hate even more is that the general public buys the facade. Meg Ryan is screwing half of Hollywood, and she's still being sold as a pure souled "girl next door". Same deal with Julia Roberts. If I listed every guy with whom she's been linked, we'd be out of server space. One flash of that false smile, and the public thinks she's Miss Sweet. She married Lyle Lovett, for Christ's sake.

And what an unholy union that was. Big-haired Sideshow Bob clone agrees to spend the rest of his worthless life with Hollywood's most pushy woman. Thankfully, the union was short-lived. I've had hairstyles that lasted longer. Merciful, really. Imagine the ghastly offspring. Sure, they'd be horrible freaks with big hair, big teeth and six fingers on each hand. Not a pretty picture, and we'd be bombarded by their horsey faces forever, constantly haunting us, reminding us that condoms were invented for a reason.

Chelsea Clinton.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. The Lovett-Roberts disaster wasn't the only relationship that made you scratch your head and wonder "que?". Quite far from it. Hollywood is brimming with disgusting, in-your-face celebrities and their disgusting, in-your-face partners. And we have to endure the gloating about their "unique bond" until we have to face the tales of woe about their "tragic split" and "secret lives".

It's a cycle. It's inevitable. And it's eating me up inside.

So, in an attempt to purge my soul of this burning hatred, I present to you..

Hollywood's most sickening unions.

Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell

These two muppets have been together for sixteen years, and still been able to fake smile and feign love after all this time. They admit to having an "open" relationship, which essentially means they're allowed to screw around, yet pose insincerely for Paparazzi to give off that cheesy family vibe. Hollywood phonies eat that shit for breakfast. As long as you look all-American and smitten at photo opportunities, you're free to blow any big-time director in your spare time. And Goldie is just as bad as Kurt in that department. Both of these has-beens are desperate for a good part, as they're parasitic and feed off the celebrity. Kurt is so desperate, he donned an Elvis guise (again) to co-star alongside Kevin Costner's ego in "3000 Miles to Graceland". That didn't go according to plan, so he's been doing everything and anything to get noticed. A couple of years ago he scored big in the impressive "Breakdown", but he couldn't capitalize on the success, and had to make do with showing up late at an Oscar show, so he and Goldie would get cheap heat from a packed auditorium of Hollywood-ites and millions of television viewers.

Goldie has never been too special as an actress, either. If the movie doesn't have Steve Martin, Warren Beatty or Woody Allen connected, it's generally a dud. Or a good movie not enhanced in any way by Goldie and her ditziness. She's more famous for being famous, with fashion editors guffawing at "OMG look how hot she is for her age". Yes, she's an attractive woman, but if you look past that demonically fake smile, you'll see wrinkles. And lots of them. Plus, I'm not going to drop my jaw just because some rich, pampered, privileged madam looks good for her age. Give any woman millions of dollars for cosmetics, access to the best clothes, trainers and health products, and I'll guarantee they'll look just as good as Goldie - if not better.

Kurt, on the other hand, is a good actor, but despite acting well in a string of good movies, it's hard to shake the image that he's just a pussy with a penchant for overselling himself.

If it was just phony smiles and self-promotion, I'd put this union down to the Hollywood system. Par for the course. But they helped raise Kate Hudson, who's just a younger, prettier, phonier Goldie. And now Hollywood has a new phony over which to fawn - "she smiles just like her mother". These two used Hudson's "Almost Famous" success and shamelessly tried to convert it into plugs for themselves - all in a vain attempt to get noticed. As soon as Hudson's doing well in her own career, the "proud parents" spoke out about how much they loved young Kate and how much they'd like to be acting in good movies again. Hmm, what a coincidence. Can you say "yesterday's news"?

Oh, I could shake my hatred off like a dusty brush, if I hadn't heard one of the most mentally disturbing facts ever. You see, during the huge Hudson promotion, when every magazine was covering her nepotism-fuelled rise to the top, she described life growing up in the Hawn-Russell alliance. Amongst other things, she admitted that her parents were "cool" and that they encouraged creativity and personal expression. She then elaborated that the family would often parade around naked. It was around this time that the bile rose in my throat. Call me prudish, but the thought of Kurt Russell walking around with his wang out doesn't fill me with an enormous sense of well-being. Sadly, thinking about a droopy Goldie doesn't quell my anger, either.

Goldie says: "I don't believe we own anybody. I don't think Kurt sexually only has eyes for me."
"We met on the set of Swing Shift. I knew the moment I met Kurt that we were going to be a couple. Our first date was on Valentine's Day. It was so romantic,"

Cringe Rating: 4 capped teeth out of 5.

Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr.

What do you get when you combine Hollywood's most notoriously bad actor with Buffy? A really fucked up kid. Or possibly two. Freddie Prinze Senior is probably rolling around in his grave. Not because he's annoyed, or anything normally associated with post-mortal angst. Just that the Prinzes have no respect for other people - even in death. It's scary to think that Freddie is a paid actor - even scarier that he continues to get solid roles. By solid, I do of course mean "one-dimensional speaking parts in successful movies". I think he's missed his calling, though. The guy should have been a porn star. After all, he is reputed to be good-looking (read "OMG I want to eat him!!11) and has the unerring ability to take it up the ass and suck dick at the same time.

Sarah Michelle Gellar isn't too great as an actress herself. The girl is unquestionably hot, and she can play bitchy as well as anyone on the screen. In "Cruel Intentions", she was the showstopper, but she was far from "Simply Irresistible" and she's basically been playing the same character in every other movie. Bitchy girl with sharp tongue.

She's one of those actresses who will have a long career, though. No question about that. She has the right balance of self-assuredness and self-confidence to endure, but I can't see her dim-witted fiance lasting too long. Once Hollywood has repaid him for his father's suicide and milked him of his passing heat, he'll be out looking for a grocer.

Freddie says: "I was like OMG whoa!"

Cringe rating: 5 fake smiles out of 5. And it'll get even more intolerable if they marry.

Courteney Cox and David Arquette

This one is more tragic than sickening. Take one bulimic actress, throw her together with a second-rate druggie actor and voila..instant dysfunction. It's important not to overlook the fact that David's last name is Arquette. Terrible news, if you're looking for a partner. The Arquette family is made up of transvestites, people who marry Nicholas Cage and transvestites. It's like the scourge of America exists in one clan.

Arquette is a goofy actor who clicked as a goofy cop in "Scream"; Cox is a skinny actress who once danced on stage with Bruce Springsteen. Their romantic possibilities seemed far-fetched, but when they fell in love during the filming of "Scream", our worst fears were realized. Chicken-necked whiner falls for gormless loser. Only in Hollywood.

Then we had to hear the intimate details of their sex life. Courteney said size mattered, and talked up Arquette's little man. Arquette said Cox was a dynamo in bed. It was all so...vomit-inducing. David Arquette is the man many WCW fans cite as responsible for bringing down their beloved promotion. As the worst world champion in the history of professional wrestling, nerdy Arquette cast a dark shadow over the entire industry. His wrestling movie, "Ready to Rumble", wasn't fair penance by any stretch.

If these two somehow produced an offspring, the doctor's first instinct wouldn't be to check for a pulse and distinctive sexual organs. Oh, no. He'd check for a little red tail and protruding horns, because it'd surely be the anti-Christ. That's if they could even produce a kid. Courteney's so horribly skeletal that she can barely fit a peanut inside her decreasing stomach, much less a child. The sad thing is, the baby would surely have a bigger appetite than its 2 weeks old.

Cox says: "It's going to be hard putting up with something so smelly, that sits and does nothing but dribble food while I clean its butt. But our baby's just going to have to get used to David."

Cringe rating: 3 trips to Betty Ford out of 5. And 10 out of 10 for going to a counsellor before the marriage. Pure positivity.

One annoying celebrity is bad enough, but two combined is sheer torture. The couples are usually just well-PRed fronts to remove any lingering doubts about said celebrity. Janet Jackson is a known lesbian, so her representatives, rather than admit that, ensure she is regularly photographed in the presence of men/boyfriends; Ricky Martin is flagrantly gay and everyone in the industry knows it. But rather than letting it become public knowledge and possibly dent his stupid record sales, they hire him a trophy girlfriend. Few people are buying into it, because it's incredibly strange that Ricky suddenly wants to be filmed with this girl, when he has always said that his private life should remain private. That's the smell of a cover-up, folks. A very convenient one.

And then there are the marriages. Hollywood is full of gay actors, but many of them are afraid to come out, and live fronted lives as "family men". But then, Hollywood is such a shallow environment, that a gay admission would probably dent a leading man's box office credentials. It's long been suspected that Tom Cruise is at least bi-sexual, and he was a regular visitor to gay clubs in the eighties. However, don't expect to hear it from him. And don't expect John Travolta to admit that he was a rampant gay in the seventies, until scientology turned him straight. The list goes on and on. It's more uncommon that a Hollywood actor didn't have a rendezvous with man meat.

So these little marriages and exaggerated professions of love are just ploys to make them look like "real men" or "housewives". To make them look normal and appealing to the public.

But let's just wait and see how long Brad Pitt waits before trading Jennifer Aniston for a newer model. And let's see how long Drew Barrymore and Tom Green can stay together.

Start your timers, because my cynical mind says "not long".

Hollywood stars cannot commit. Their egos are too disproportionate, they're intensely insecure and they can't share equal billing with anyone. The only reason that the Hawn-Russell tryst has lasted is because she's the understood center of attention and showpiece.

Anything else wouldn't do.

They crave attention.

Their partners are just pawns.

But we're all being played.

So try not to buy the carefully arranged treacle. You're healthier without it.

AOL IM: paulwdfans

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