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Brittney Cleary - America's New Singing Sensation: ONLINE

posted by B on 5/07/01

Usually when I'm writing about something here at I'm making an attempt at humor. Most of the time it's a weak attempt and I resort to a bunch of homophobic insults and anecdotes about times I tried to kill my estranged wife. But then I wrote that article with Elton John, so now what? NOW WHAT?

But times are changing, and, unfortunately, they're changing fast. My generation, placed firmly between the fabled Generation X and kids named after characters from the "Little Mermaid," is losing ground in our country's future - and fast. Faster than I would've imagined. Sure, we've got the attention span of squirrels on acid and can't support any movie that doesn't have a "rockin' soundtrack," but come on...I thought we'd all at least be 30 before the world got nuked. Right now, thanks to my good friend Cobb, I'm writing an extensive and persuasive letter to the head of Chinese government with a desperate request to end our lives before the end of the week. Why, what's caused such an atrocious outburst of hatred and sorrow from a casually sarcastic guy who's USUALLY just making a bunch of jokes?

Not as hot as Tina Yothers...but almost.

MOVE over Ms. Spears there's a new Brittney in town - and this one is in love with flirting on AOL's Instant Messenger! Yes, believe it or not, people who are not even old enough to grow pubic hair have begun making pop records. Not people like Mandy Moore, who is just kinda CLOSE to not having any pubic hair...and not people like Christina Aguilera who've been shaving off her pubic hair since she was 12 for lots of lurid sex... Schoolgirl popstar Brittney Cleary, just 12, is being courted by major record labels because one of her songs called 'IM Me' is taking the web by storm. Brittney released the song on the Internet following a recording session in Nashville - after her grandmother spotted her singing talent during a karaoke night.

"My nanny (grandmother) used to take me to a karaoke place," Cleary tells us. "It was okay, because we'd sit in the restaurant part, not the bar part. And I would sing and sing." Yeah Brittney, that's really okay that your grandmother was taking you to bars to make some money, instead of smacking you in your fucking head and making you study. "Nanny" has her finger on the pulse of America's growing population of pedophiles, evidently. That's just what she's doing now in Nashville (singing, not fingering pedophiles), where she and her family have uprooted itself from Albany, N.Y. to follow her dream. That big dream that she's had least a few weeks. She sings at a major country music bar, but because alcohol is served, "They make me sit up in a special loft thing they built for me in between sets." Does Brittney study geometry during these breaks? Of course not.

Could a 12 year old LOOK any sexier?? ROFLMFAO!!!!

Her father Mike said: "I had no idea what a fantastic voice she had until her nanny came back from karaoke one night and said 'you want to hear that girl sing'. After that she won a talent contest in New York and everything has gone from there. I'll begin using my daughter who is not even old enough legally to see Titanic to fulfill my otherwise empty life." He didn't actually say that last part, but that's as close to "deadbeat dad" as my writing style gets. Notice how her father, who uprooted himself, his wife, and the rest of his family (regardless of their own personal dreams) had no idea that his daughter liked doing anything like that until she GOT BACK FROM THE BAR WITH GRANDMA. This is going leaps and bounds past the image of Britney Spears' Mom whipping her across the back and making her write shitty teenage love novels.

Brittney's release 'IM Me' is named after her favourite hobby - chatting on AOL's Instant Messenger service - and with massive interest from the US media is destined for chart success. Of course Brittney doesn't like things normal people with minds like - reading, playing sports, creating, thinking for themselves. Instead, she's singing about how she likes going into chatrooms. What would YOU imagine the song would sound like? HAha, well, far be it from me to create some kind of comedy out of this tragedy...look at the lyrics for yourself.

Click those to download and listen to "I.M. Me" by Brittney Cleary. I promise you that if you at least listen to it I'll be your friend for life. I'll even get a tattoo with your name across my chest.

(Cue the Super Nintendo Castlevania music)

(actual lyrics)

Let's meet at the same time
Same place
Send your jpeg, I wanna see your face
Girlfriend, send an I.M.

No time to spell
Oops, there goes that little bell
Bye, bye for now

...Have you started ripping at your eyeballs yet?

My favorite part so far is when she says that there's "no time to spell" because she's getting so many Instant Messages, and then she directly contradicts herself by saying "bye, bye for now" and then "BBFN." If you didn't have so much time, why're you writing them BOTH? Yeah, it's mental errors in songwriting like that that make me furious. Oh, wait, and the fact that God doesn't exist anymore. Brittney killed him.


Hey, LOL, G2G
I gotta go, but watch for me 'cause
I'll be right back, BRB
So sign on, and I.M. me

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Oh...sorry, that was John Lennon, not Brittney Cleary. I got them confused for a second!

Mom thinks I'm doing homework
Yeah, research
But I can't help it, I've just got to surf
I gotta chat with my girlfriends on line

Does Mom know you were sitting in specially constructed lofts in the local bar with your grandmother? I bet she did. And I bet she couldn't give a shit that you're surfing the web for pictures of Pacey from Dawson's Creek instead of doing your homework. In fact, you probably don't have any homework. You're probably making more money than I'll ever see in my life because the American public is really into seeing little kids in midriff tops right now. Jesus H&R Christ, the way the world's going our next cultural trend is gonna be gameshows where Army vets get to stick their tongues into newborn assholes.

We're digital divas
Believe us
This Girl Wide Web is hot stuff
My buddy list is growing all the time


Around is when you start pawing at your computer screen trying to keep your brain from oozing out of your nose. Britt takes a "time out" to "chat" with some "girlfriends" in the middle of her song. This little conversation, so important to the flow of the music that record producers left it in, involves the girls discussing some relationship squabbles and how hot "Billy" is.

I don't know about anybody who's reading this, and maybe I'm just out of touch with humanity, but when I was twelve years old I was worried about how I could find all the whistles in Super Mario Brothers 3. The most I dealt with girls was trying to keep them from giggling at my ugly parent-purchased clothes during lunch. There was no illicit 12-year old circle of irresponsibility to be a part of...the only people we were "worried about" were the dorky high schoolers who were still riding our bus and the only people we thought were "hot" were Kathy Ireland and Julie from Growing Pains.

Oh, my mind keeps slipping, I got off track. There are SEVERAL MORE VERSES TO GO.

I got a web page
A domain
Sign my guest book with your screen name
Check it out, then send an I.M.

What's your profile?
Favorite quote?
This is just like passing notes
It's easier to type than use a pen

"Math is hard!" "Don't ask me, I'm just a girl!"

Then they sing the chorus fifty more times and the song's finally over.

The track was even produced by Grammy award winner and Dixie Chicks maestro John Guess. You know, the acclaimed producer who used ideas of infidelity and the fucking rodeo as "cutting edge topics for Country music." Brittney said: "The writers were trying to write a song for me and asked me what I wanted it to be about - I said boys. At that very moment I had about 20 IM's open on my computer screen and they looked over my shoulder and their faces lit up and suddenly I had my song." Too bad they didn't see a gun on her computer screen. I know my face would've "lit up." So would Brittney's. All over the bedroom wall.

It's a great song because it is absolutely of its time - IM's are how young people love to communicate. Her next song is going to be about how "Only the Popular People Get To Sit at This Table." Of course Brittney is well aware of the global success her chart-topping namesake Ms. Spears but the levelheaded youngster, who still attends a normal middle school, dismisses comparisons.

Dad Mike said: "Of course she listens to Britney and Christina Aguilera but it's not comparing like with like. My daughter is only 12, and although she's very beautiful and has a tremendous vocal talent, she just doesn't sing about the same things as the other Britney and Christina."

Translation: "Yes...she's so pretty...pretty pretty...."

Somebody needs to punch "Dad Mike" one good time in the nuts for me.

"She's so modest about the whole thing. I told her she was to fly to Manhattan for a big photo shoot the other day and she just said 'whatever' and went back to IM-ing her friends!" Later she and Nanny are going out on the back porch to have an orgy with a bunch of Jamaican guys.

Recently, she has appeared on radio morning shows across the country talking about her exciting career and her I.M. Me song. She's been written about in the New York Daily News and featured on websites around the world. She'll also be featured in upcoming issues of National Geographic World, Teen Beauty Handbook, Teen Extreme and Grl Lab... just to name a few. Good to know that "National Geographic World" is living up to that fine National Geographic code of educational excellence. I know if I ran a magazine for almost a century that brings the world to the eyes of young people I'd want to be mentioned in the same sentence as "Grl Lab." Where the fuck is your vowel, Grl Lab?

In Nashville, she fits studio time and interviews around a typical seventh grade school schedule. She has an older brother named Mike, who, reportedly "hates (himself) and want(s) to die." She belongs to dance team called "Premiere." If we've learned nothing else from Popstars...and we haven''s that to be successful you've got to know how to dance. Talent? No. Ability? No. Desire? No. Dancing and wearing too much make-up so you look like a 12 year old hooker? Fantastic.


Just this moment I got an IM from Jiang Zemin, leader of China's communist party, and dropped everything. When you hear that little bell you've just G2G! Here's a brief transcript of our conversation.

NotAGoonie: hey Jiang Zemin, leader of China's communist party, can u go ahead n bomb us????


NotAGoonie: oic ur not serios?


NotAGoonie: LOLOLOLOL brb

Now it's bout time to get some shit done. I'm going to go down to my bomb shelter, and, since I can't figure out how to get Instant Messenger down there, I'm gonna hope you guys will be okay by yourselves.

Just listen to "I.M. Me" on loop and you'll be fine. I know you will.

TTFN...and God rest your souls.


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