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Patch Adams: Director's Cut

posted by Paul on 5/08/01

Fade In:

ROBIN WILLIAMS( VOICEOVER ): Sometimes when a man is happy, he is not sad. And sometimes when a man is sad, he's not happy. This is the part of the movie where I say really deep and far-out stuff, in an attempt to be insightful and moving. Come on DJ, play my song. I'm like a bird, I always fly away. I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is. Kill me.

Robin is led into a psychiatric ward.

Robin bonds with the other kooks, including Michael Jeter.


ROBIN WILLIAMS: No you're not. It's just that no-one has ever tried to reach out to you on a personal level, my high-pitched friend.

MICHAEL JETER: The walls are making faces at me again.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: We can make an amusing game out of it. And if we're talking crazy, let's talk about a bloated closeted homo who spends millions of dollars making a movie about dreadlocked aliens. That's crazy.

MICHAEL JETER: Don't get me started on that guy. He tried to fist me last week. Probably. No!!! Now the walls are spitting at me. They're saying they're going to kill me and make me watch "Girl, Interrupted", where other mental patients are funnier and more scene-stealing than me. Oh, I'm so scared.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: The walls can't hurt you.

MICHAEL JETER: It's not that. It's just that I've seen "Girl, Interrupted" six fucking times, and I can't take any more of Angelina Jolie's pseudo-insane showboating.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: Close your eyes and think happy thoughts.

MICHAEL JETER: Now the walls have stopped spitting at me, and I can stop over-acting, since Hollywood has only one way of portraying mental illness. Roses are red.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: My work here is done. Now I realize that I'm not crazy and I should be helping people. How uncliched I am.

ROBIN WILLIAMS( VOICEOVER ): So I decided to become a doctor. But not just any doctor. An inspirational doctor who would treat the patient as well as the disease. Or something equally contrived. Ok, they paid me $20 million to play the same character I've played in every movie. Don't judge me, you morons. Laughter is contagious.

BOB GUNTON: Did I just hear you say that laughter is contagious?

ROBIN WILLIAMS: I never knew you could hear my voiceover, but yes sir. I did say that. I also think that birds are beautiful and patients have souls and we must try to touch those souls.

BOB GUNTON: You are an idiot, and have no place in medical school.

AUDIENCE: Boo! Hiss! Refund!

BOB GUNTON: Even though you're forty years old and playing twenty, and despite your high grades, I'll be on your case for being a goofball and teaching people how to relate. Although I must say that I loved your song, "Angels".

ROBIN WILLIAMS: That was RobBIE Williams. I'm RobIN.

BOB GUNTON: I know. I'm just fucking with you. You'll get used to it.

TRAINEE DOCTOR: So how do we treat cancer of the rectum?

SENIOR: It's a long process, but radiotherapy of the buttocks is always an accepted measure. Or just letting them writhe in pain. Since we're heartless caricatures.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: I can't believe this! Shouldn't we be making these people smile?

SENIOR: No. These people's poop-shoots are in worse conditions than Richard Gere's. The last thing we should be doing is trying to make them smile.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: I'll show you and I'll show you good. I'll show ALL of you that I'm an over-actor and a showboater. And that I can make people smile. Give me money. Give me Oscar.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: Hey Kids. Remember "Austin Powers"? Here's Mini-Me!

KIDS: It's just a gnome.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: Shit. You're too quick. Thought that one would make you chuckle. Ok, how about this one: a horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face?"

no laughter

ROBIN WILLIAMS: Tough crowd. Let me pull out the old "peculiar accent" gimmick. No-one can do peculiar and amusing accents quite like me.... Eez da cancer going taw keeel you?!

KIDS: We want to die. Right now.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: Dressing like a clown and falling over is bound to make you laugh.

KIDS: We have cancer, you insensitive prick. It's going to take a bit more than your bullshit to make us feel good.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: Cancer is funny. You know what else is funny? The fact that the director thinks this horseshit is poignant. Laughter rocks.

ROBIN WILLIAMS( VOICEOVER ): And so..people were starting to respond to my alternative medicine. The incontinent guy in Ward Z pissed himself when I dressed up like a clown, and the epileptic went into fits. I guess I was really touching them in a way traditional medicine never could. What really made it special was that the brain tumor victim said that I'd moved him so much, he wanted a lethal injection. A lot of patients also requested that they be transferred and wouldn't return my calls. I know I gave them the inspiration to move and act for themselves. No idea why those twenty schizophrenics gave me a brutal beating. Maybe an expression of love. Life is beautiful. Laughter is precious. Hollywood is cynical. Tom Cruise is gay.

ROOMMATE: I'm a serious student and don't want any of your bullshit.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: Hello, how are you, my anal colleague?

ROOMMATE: I can't take much more of you. You're already driving me nuts.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: How's the studying going?

ROOMMATE: That's it. I've had enough of you. Don't ever talk to me again.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: It's ok to smile once in a while.

ROOMMATE: Don't you dare come in here and tell people it's ok to smile. Everyone in this movie has two emotions. Except for you. I hate laughter. Patients ain't shit.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: Hey, you look a lot like an egg.

KID: I have cancer.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: I have a tendency to pick bad movie roles and can't resist looking like an idiot. That's beside the point, because you still look like an egg.

KID: You are the anti-Christ, aren't you? You've come to steal my soul.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: I'm Robin Williams.

KID: Aww, I have all your albums. Can you sing "Angels" for me?

ROBIN WILLIAMS: You're cracking me up, egg boy. I think you need to learn some new yokes. Hyuck.

KID: Let me take that nose off. You look worse than me.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: Hey, it's Julia Roberts with blonde hair. What are you doing in a movie like this?

MONICA POTTER: Stay away from me, you creepy man.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: I'm a brilliant medical student and a hell of a guy. Wanna fuck?

MONICA POTTER: That is disgusting. Stay away from me. I'm serious and aloof.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: I was being ironical. I'm interested in you for your inner beauty and intense personality. Wanna fall in love?

MONICA POTTER: Well, when you put it like that! That is so sweet. Let's fall in love, you poorly dressed ham.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: Ok, make sure to wear a short skirt! I so want to delve into that wonderful mind of yours. By the way, I like crotchless underwear. Yes, a great mind you have.

They fall in love.

Robin continues to help people smile.

BOB GUNTON: You can't continue to make people happy. This is a hospital, not a circus.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: There's no reason we can't compromise. When I saw that old lady smile, clap and roll her eyes to the back of her head, I knew I had touched another soul.

BOB GUNTON: You disconnected her drip, because you're a fucking idiot, and insisted on dancing around like a geriatric member of N'Sync. That old lady is dead. And it's all your fault.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: Oh! Well, I'm going to leave this place and make my own hospital, where I'll put personality and laughter before medicine.

Robin, Monica and their cronies found the Gesundheit institute, the happiest hospital in all the land.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: Who would have thought medicine could be so much fun? Look at me. I'm so goofy and unique.

MONICA POTTER: Ten people have died this week.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: But look at all the people we saved.

MONICA POTTER: We didn't save anyone. We had ten patients, and they're all dead.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: But what is death? Isn't death just an act of God, and didn't we therefore do God's work and make these people feel good in their last moments?

MONICA POTTER: Death is when their heart stops and they stop breathing.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: Speaking of death. My career. Dying. This movie. Sucking. Your breasts. Pressed in my face?


ROBIN WILLIAMS: We'll continue this later, Monica. What can I do for you, Crazy Kid Rock lookalike?

CRAZY PATIENT: I've been getting these really intense feelings recently. Like I want to do scary things to people. I need to stop the pain.

MONICA POTTER: What sort of feelings?

CRAZY PATIENT: I feel that I want to kill Jennifer Lopez. I feel that Keanu Reeves isn't very talented, and I want to stab him. I eat feces. And when I'm online twenty hours a day, I..

ROBIN WILLIAMS: Wait a minute! You're online twenty hours a day. That's diabolical. This is our most serious case yet, Monica. We're clearly dealing with a paranoid schizophreniac with many, many social problems. Are we authorized to administer Euthanasia?

MONICA POTTER: No. Remember we tried to do that to Joan Rivers?

ROBIN WILLIAMS: Sure. And the rest of that encounter is something I'd rather forget... Shucks. You better come in from the rain and into the love. I'm sorry, but we only have AOL and you'll only get two hours access a day. Because AOL SUX!!11 LOL!!

CRAZY PATIENT: I want to kill Monica Potter.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: Sure you do. Just go to sleep.




Monica and Robin are sitting on the porch of the Gesundheit house.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: I really like you and I think that our unrealistic and freaky relationship could be furthered with some gratuitous love scenes.

MONICA POTTER: I have a terrible secret. Something that I've kept to myself and never told to anyone.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: Is it that you have no dramatic range? Because I kind of worked that one out for myself.

MONICA POTTER: No...It's...much..much worse. (breaking down). It's just that all my life people have seen me as nothing more than a beautiful woman. Men are always trying to get into my pants and no-one appreciates my inner beauty and intelligence. I feel so isolated. I hate being beautiful and hit on. And I hate that Russell Crowe calls me ten times a day, but what I hate most is that this dialogue makes absolutely no sense.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: That's terrible. You know I love your soul. And I can't stop thinking about your ass...assistance in the Gesundheit Institute. Through it all you've offered me protection, a lot of love and affection, whether I'm right or wrong. I'm loving angels instead. Tell you what, let's have some wild monkey sex to forget all this unpleasantness.

They have, you guessed it, wild monkey sex.

Robin and his irrelevant goon, DANIEL LONDON, are stealing medical supplies from the hospital.

Monica enters the Gesundheit house and listens to the answer machine messages.

CRAZY PATIENT (ON MESSAGE): I've really been struggling lately. My modem is broken, I'm afraid to go out and I need someone to come over. If they don't, I'm going to kill myself. If they do, I'll kill myself and them. Especially Monica. Please come over so I can shoot you in the face and store your corpse in my freezer.

Monica goes over to Crazy Patient's house.

She is murdered.

Robin is sad. Very sad. He goes to a cliff and stands atop said cliff.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: I killed Monica. I hate myself. I hate medicine. Life has no meaning. I have no booty calls. Life sucks. Laughter is overrated. My career is dead.

A butterfly appears.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: This is a sign.... I didn't kill Monica, I'm glad I met her. I love myself, medicine rocks. Life has meaning. I'm too old for sex. Laughter rocks. My career is dead.

BOB GUNTON: You can never study medicine again.


BOB GUNTON: Because you're a moron and I hate you. And you've broken every medical rule. And this is the third act where afterwards you'll become a doctor anyway, so I'm just being stereotypical and putting up a futile fight.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: You're punishing me because I'm a rebel and I do things my way. My way. My way or the highway. This time I'm going to let it all out. This time I'm going to stand up and shout. It's my way. My way or the highway.

Robin is in court. Of course, even though this is just a tribunal, the courtroom is packed. Because it's a movie and we need a grandstand finale.

JUDGE: This is a case against Robin Williams. Hold up. Robin Williams? Aren't you boning Ginger Spice?

ROBIN WILLIAMS: No. That's RobBIE Williams.

JUDGE: Don't lie to the court. Ok, very well then, anything I say here is just padding. Just state your case and I'll award you your right to study medicine.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: Once upon a time there was a little boy who made people smile. And that little boy was Macaulay Culkin. He showed the world that foiling inept burglars and screaming loudly when he threw aftershave on his face was comedically viable. And everyone loved him. They really loved him. He got offers of parts and Hollywood was suckling his pre-pubescent tally whacker. All was good in the Culkin household. Then one day, things weren't so good. Everyone realized that Culkin was an annoying little fuckwit with no talent and a cunt of a dad.

JUDGE: Your point?

ROBIN WILLIAMS: No point, really. I just wanted to rag on the little dick, since he cost me about ten roles. Anyway, he's now older and scary looking. He looks like a frog. And he smells.

JUDGE: Point taken, but please stay on-topic. Why should we allow you to study medicine?

ROBIN WILLIAMS: Because I'm a good doctor and I make people smile without throwing aftershave on my face. I've brought so much happiness to people's lives and I even starred as Popeye.

ROOMMATE: We've all grown to love and respect him. Not that that wasn't predictable or anything.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: If you take away my rights, you take away my freedom. And Rocky Dennis himself once said "I'm from the planet Vulcan". I'm from the planet Vulcan. We believe in laughter. We believe in helping people. We believe in the medicine of the soul, and riding around Europe on motorcycles. And falling in love with blonde chicks who are blind to us.

JUDGE: Ok, you can study medicine again. Just let me press this button so the happy music will play and the courtroom will erupt in collective cheer.


DIRECTOR: I'm a genius.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: And I've manipulated you all again.

Robin moons the audience. Happily, you don't have to see this. Sadly, Robin's ass does flash us.

The End


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