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Name: The letter B.

E-mail: swan@whatever-dude.com

Position: With one leg on the bathtub and one leg up on the counter, so I can sway my hips.  Writer, designer, gender-nonspecific water fowl.

Sex:  All right, all right, you got me, I'm a boy and a girl, now leave me alone!

Date of Birth: January 16th, 1980 - the mighty Goat/Fish.

Hobbies:  I own the movies "The Wizard," "Cool as Ice," "Amazing Grace and Chuck," and "Care Bears: The Movie," so my hobby is good ol' Cinema Paradiso.  Other hobbies include reading classic literature, creating works of art, and watching professional wrestling.  But not in that order.

Favorite moviemakers:  Akira Kurosawa, Frank Capra, Tim Burton, Walt Disney, Satoshi Tajiri, and Vince McMahon, for his awesome video packages. 

Favorite " Friend":  That show makes me vomit, but I can tell you who my least favorite Friend is, and that's Courtney Cox.  Who cares if you're getting a divorce now, sweetheart, you got the demon seed of David Arquette planted in you.  Thanks a lot for bringing about the end of the world, Monica.

Dawson or Pacey?: I'd like to think I'm more like that girl who looks like a duck.  What's her face, Jen.

Ideal partner:  Someone loving, someone trusting, someone physically attractive, and, most importantly, somebody who would come in and break up the count every time I was getting ready to get pinned.  Maybe Jeff Hardy.

Pop Culture heroes:  Audrey Hepburn, Gregory Peck, Toshiro Mifune, Test, Jim Henson, my dog Charley, the Great Ragu, and Chansey, the nurse Pokémon, for always helping out and doing such a great job.  Chansey Chansey!

A little about myself.

My mortal enemy:

For me, choosing my mortal enemy is not a problem. Sure, I hate a lot of people, but choosing a mortal enemy is like hitting the toilet when you take a dump. My mortal enemy is Jessica Simpson, who, as of the past year or so, has been showing up on random MTV and Disney Channel related escapades in a vain attempt to pass herself off as a "young star." She's never had a top ten hit and her videos fall off of Total Request Live in a few days. For those of you who don't know much about TRL, Britney Spears could make a video of her eating a ham sandwich and kids would keep it on TRL for years. Jessica Simpson is a "young star" like Ray Charles is an "Olympic fucking sharpshooter."

She doesn't sing, she screams at the top of her lungs at a really high pitch, and then she doesn't even scream on key. Here's a good way to imagine the true essence of Jessica Simpson: Turn on an old John Cougar de la Hoya Mellancamp record and then stab yourself in the armpit with a really sharp stick. Hear those screams? Feel that slow, eighties "melody" of someone who barely knows how to play the guitar? Add a dozen or so background singers all singing different things at different pitches, all off key, and you've got a Jessica Simpson smash hit! Now that's music!

The thing I really hate about her is her incessant desire to have 10,000 of Jesus Christ's babies. Sure, okay, go to church or whatever, that's fine...but she's commented on several, SEVERAL occasions that she's "too hot to sing Gospel" and her "good looks" wouldn't be "understood" by "Bible belt Christians" who would just see her as a "cum dumpster" trying to make a "dollar and fifty cents" from the "fame" of "Britney Spears." Someone forgot to tell her that greased up blondes with huge heads aren't pretty.

Ultimately egomaniacal people don't bother me. But there are two kinds of egomaniacal people that DO:

1) Egomaniacal people with doll collections

and...

2) Egomaniacal people who are big fat hypocrites.

I'm not talking Carl from Family Matters fat hypocrites either, I'm talking a Rush Limbaugh/Jonathan Winters/Fat Boys orgy kind of fat hypocrite. Loving God is one thing, if you want to give 10 bucks a week to your preacher so he can buy grape juice and bang alter boys that's your business, but when you preach the Good Word about Him and then get on Television wearing Three inches of His clothing something's going wrong.

She won't "have sex" with her boyfriend (the dipshit from 98 Degrees) until they're married, but she'll wear THIS out in public to say, a GODDAMN DISNEY CHANNEL SHOW for every 11 year old staggering between episodes of Ducktales and Goof Troop to wander into:

She says she "can't wear sexy lingerie" when she's alone with her boyfriend, but she can shoop all over Carson Daly's unshaven ass wearing what appears to be a set of drapes wrapped strategically around her torso to press her boobs against her earlobes.

She's not even a Fat Boys orgy kind of big fat hypocrite, she's a "everybody who'll be waiting in line to get tickets to see the Dungeons and Dragons movie" big fat hypocrite, and dammit, I don't like that. If I want to listen to a big fat hypocrite sing the music Kurt Loder and his cronies force me to listen to, I'll listen to Mariah Carey, and her spearlike interracial swingers will jab my eyes out and end my misery.

Until then, I'm forced to go through life living a personal hell.

"Boy I think that I'm in love with YOU!"

"Got me doin' silly THINGs when it COMES TO YOU!"

"I saw you hanging you were with your crew...I was with mine TOOO HOO!!!"

Sometimes I wish I was mentally retarded, just so I wouldn't understand how bad the whole experience really is.