a f f
Name: The letter B.
Position: With one leg on the bathtub
and one leg up on the counter, so I can sway my
hips. Writer, designer, gender-nonspecific water
Sex: All right, all
right, you got me, I'm a boy and a girl, now leave me
Date of Birth: January 16th, 1980 - the
Hobbies: I own the movies
"The Wizard," "Cool as Ice,"
"Amazing Grace and Chuck," and "Care
Bears: The Movie," so my hobby is good ol' Cinema
Paradiso. Other hobbies include reading classic
literature, creating works of art, and watching
professional wrestling. But not in that order.
Favorite moviemakers: Akira
Kurosawa, Frank Capra, Tim Burton, Walt Disney, Satoshi
Tajiri, and Vince McMahon, for his awesome video
Favorite " Friend": That
show makes me vomit, but I can tell you who my least
favorite Friend is, and that's Courtney Cox. Who
cares if you're getting a divorce now, sweetheart, you
got the demon seed of David Arquette planted in
you. Thanks a lot for bringing about the end of the
Dawson or Pacey?: I'd like to think I'm
more like that girl who looks like a duck. What's
her face, Jen.
partner: Someone loving, someone trusting,
someone physically attractive, and, most importantly,
somebody who would come in and break up the count every
time I was getting ready to get pinned. Maybe Jeff
Pop Culture heroes: Audrey
Hepburn, Gregory Peck, Toshiro Mifune, Test, Jim Henson,
my dog Charley, the Great Ragu, and Chansey, the nurse
Pokémon, for always helping out and doing such a great
job. Chansey Chansey!
A little about myself.
My mortal enemy:
For me, choosing my mortal enemy is not a
problem. Sure, I hate a lot of people, but choosing a
mortal enemy is like hitting the toilet when you take a
dump. My mortal enemy is Jessica Simpson, who, as of the
past year or so, has been showing up on random MTV and
Disney Channel related escapades in a vain attempt to
pass herself off as a "young star." She's never
had a top ten hit and her videos fall off of Total
Request Live in a few days. For those of you who don't
know much about TRL, Britney Spears could make a video of
her eating a ham sandwich and kids would keep it on TRL
for years. Jessica Simpson is a "young star"
like Ray Charles is an "Olympic fucking
She doesn't sing, she screams at the top of her lungs at
a really high pitch, and then she doesn't even scream on
key. Here's a good way to imagine the true essence of
Jessica Simpson: Turn on an old John Cougar de la Hoya
Mellancamp record and then stab yourself in the armpit
with a really sharp stick. Hear those screams? Feel that
slow, eighties "melody" of someone who barely
knows how to play the guitar? Add a dozen or so
background singers all singing different things at
different pitches, all off key, and you've got a Jessica
Simpson smash hit! Now that's music!
The thing I really hate about her is her incessant desire
to have 10,000 of Jesus Christ's babies. Sure, okay, go
to church or whatever, that's fine...but she's commented
on several, SEVERAL occasions that she's "too hot to
sing Gospel" and her "good looks" wouldn't
be "understood" by "Bible belt
Christians" who would just see her as a "cum
dumpster" trying to make a "dollar and fifty
cents" from the "fame" of "Britney
Spears." Someone forgot to tell her that greased up
blondes with huge heads aren't pretty.
Ultimately egomaniacal people don't bother me. But there
are two kinds of egomaniacal people that DO:
1) Egomaniacal people with doll collections
2) Egomaniacal people who are big fat hypocrites.
I'm not talking Carl from Family Matters fat hypocrites
either, I'm talking a Rush Limbaugh/Jonathan Winters/Fat
Boys orgy kind of fat hypocrite. Loving God is one thing,
if you want to give 10 bucks a week to your preacher so
he can buy grape juice and bang alter boys that's your
business, but when you preach the Good Word about Him and
then get on Television wearing Three inches of His
clothing something's going wrong.
She won't "have sex" with her boyfriend (the
dipshit from 98 Degrees) until they're married, but
she'll wear THIS out in public to say, a GODDAMN DISNEY
CHANNEL SHOW for every 11 year old staggering between
episodes of Ducktales and Goof Troop to wander into:
She says she "can't wear sexy
lingerie" when she's alone with her boyfriend, but
she can shoop all over Carson Daly's unshaven ass wearing
what appears to be a set of drapes wrapped strategically
around her torso to press her boobs against her earlobes.
She's not even a Fat Boys orgy kind of big
fat hypocrite, she's a "everybody who'll be waiting
in line to get tickets to see the Dungeons and Dragons
movie" big fat hypocrite, and dammit, I don't like
that. If I want to listen to a big fat hypocrite sing the
music Kurt Loder and his cronies force me to listen to,
I'll listen to Mariah Carey, and her spearlike
interracial swingers will jab my eyes out and end my
Until then, I'm forced to go through life living a
"Boy I think that I'm in love with YOU!"
"Got me doin' silly THINGs when it COMES TO
"I saw you hanging you were with your crew...I was
with mine TOOO HOO!!!"
Sometimes I wish I was mentally retarded, just so I
wouldn't understand how bad the whole experience really